2018/07/17

Finding Room

Da Goddess @ 17:41

I keep trying to find room for my grief and everything else in my life. It’s almost as if I have to choose between them.

Of course, my pain issues are also trying to hog the spotlight and I’m exhausted from all the juggling.

Weariness doesn’t even come close to what I feel. Emotionally and physically, I’m depleted. I have no spoons* for anything beyond getting up to go to the bathroom, making toast, and feeding the cat. Showering is necessary, but it’s at a respectable 4th or 5th on my list. I just don’t have any gas left in the tank.

I wonder when and/or how any of this is going to change.

* Spoon theory states that you have a spoon (representing energy) for every task you perform throughout the day. However, you only have a certain number of spoons available per 24 hour period. For people with chronic illnesses, pain, or disabilities you often have to use more spoons to accomplish a simple task. Sometimes you borrow from tomorrow, but you never know what the consequences of doing that will be. For instance, Dad’s memorial took almost all my spoons for that day and some from the day after. The next day, I was stuck in bed, unable to move without great effort and pain. Too much standing and moving around. Try assigning 15 spoons to all your most important activities in a single day. Anything requiring more effort gets more than one spoon.

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How’d that work for you? Now add in grief and anxiety. It’s taxing, to say the least.

2 Comments

  1. I think it’s times like this people coin phrases for, such as “something’s gotta give”. That’s what I thought of while reading your post.

    If only we could purchase more spoons…

    Comment by pam — 2018/07/18 @ 13:53

  2. Something’s definitely gonna have to give because I’m at maximum capacity.

    You know, I have developed more patience over the course of the past 12+ years, but I’m running low on it when it comes to everything related to my work comp case. Or certain people.

    And I’m fucking exhausted.

    Comment by Da Goddess — 2018/07/19 @ 08:46

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