Blind Cleaners
…I wonder how good they can be. How do they know when they’re done?
I ran into an old boyfriend today as I was leaving my mom’s house. Seeing this man always makes me super reflective and today was no different. Except that we laughed so hard over the “blind cleaners” truck he saw earlier. Our responses were exactly the same. Yeah, I do tend to attract like minds.
But back to this man and how I end up feeling after I see him. Because this is a tough thing for me. Part of me truly regrets not being a better judge of character and sticking with him — a good guy — instead of being aloof and just generally not the kind of person he always imagined me to be. He’s held me in high esteem all these years. And I do mean YEARS. As in 30. At least.
Yeah, weird, huh?
I still beat myself up about being young and foolish, young and stupid.
Because I wish I had been half the person he thought I was back then.
Deep down, I know I was a good person. But I was skittish and flighty and not as respectful to kind people as I wish I had been. I wish I had been nicer to him, had let him down more easily, had been more honest with myself even in not knowing whether or not I was ready for a Good Guy in My Life. That’s a very specific time in a young woman’s life, is it not?
So whenever I see my delivery man (who once showed me a photo of his “I married her because she reminded me of you” wife), I reflect long and hard about who I was and who I am.
Right now, I can’t say everything in life is perfect, but I can say I’m happy to be a parent to two really lovely children, the former wife of a man who was once my best friend, a daughter who loves her parents, an occasionally nice sister, and a woman who has borne the wear and tear of life with some modicum of dignity. I’ve made it through 46+ years. I’ve learned how NOT to treat people. How NOT to hurt them. How it’s better to be quiet sometimes, and speak loudly at other times. I’ve learned a lot and grown over time. I’m still making mistakes, but hopefully making fewer, and hopefully not repeating the same ones over and over again.
Thus, I came away from my encounter today wistful and smiling more than I usually do after I see my friend. I feel better than I normally do because I am more confident in who I am, warts and all.
I’ve taken off my blinders and cleaned up my act, I guess you could say. And that ties in almost as well as one could hope with the title of the post.
I’m going back to my music and memories, dwelling there just a bit longer, for no other reason than to keep my future on track.
P.S. Does anyone else ever think “wistful” should be spelt with an “h”…as in “whistful”?
Yes, that’s a very specific time in a young woman’s life… and if you weren’t there, you weren’t there. Another one of those “it is what it is” moments. No sense beating yourself up about it – in any way.
Sometimes I wish I could start over, knowing what I do now… wouldn’t that be a trip?!
Comment by pam — 2013/04/16 @ 05:07
I find myself often being reflective on my past, particularly in my early twenties and some of the choices I made then. Sometimes as we get older we recognize the crossroads in our past, where a choice or series of choices took our lives in one direction or another. As much as I miss California and some of the dear people I knew and was around back then, I have to remind myself that if I had made different choices, I wouldn’t have the life or the people in it today. And there is no way of knowing where I might have ended up otherwise, or if I would’ve ever been able to grow past that phase in my life where my emotional growth was stunted.
Comment by diamond dave — 2013/04/16 @ 12:22
Can’t change the past, but I can change how it makes me feel when I butt up against it.
I wouldn’t be who I am without having everything happen as it has. No sense in being stuck in the “what if” of the past. But this is the one man who can get me to go down that path.
Sigh.
I’ve grown. I’m happy. And I’m edging toward ever more happiness. No need to wallow in what was and what will never be.
Thanks for cheering me, guys!
Comment by Da Goddess — 2013/04/17 @ 00:09