A First Time for Everything: The Night I Lost My Virginity (to Craig Ferguson)
I did it! Finally!
I lost my virginity.
Silly thing for a mom of two to write, but hear me out.
Craig Ferguson took my virginity. True. Fucking. Story.
October 7, 2023, is a day that will live in infamy for it was the day I finally got to go see Craig Ferguson on tour with his stand-up act. Not only that, but I met him, got a hug, he touched one of my tattoos (neener neener, wouldn’t you like to know which one!), and…and…and…it was all perfection. Mostly.
Yes, I’d been to tapings of his show many times over his ten year run as host of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Yes, I’d been mere feet away from him. Yes, I laughed myself silly. But I hadn’t seen his stand-up show before.
I’d envied those I knew who had been many, Many, MANY times. They had met him. They got their picture taken with him. They…touched…him. I was happy for those people. But I stewed in my own bitter juices of jealousy in private. I feared I’d never get my moment with THE GREATEST, FUNNIEST, AND MOST HANDSOME SCOTTISH LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST AND COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD. But I did. It happened. And now my life is (mostly) complete. I say “(mostly) complete” because there was just one teeny weeny little problem with our conversation (okay, two teeny weeny little problems) (maybe three teeny weeny little problems, but definitely not more than three). Main problem the first: I’d forgotten to ask if he remembered a sketch from the show where a particular name was used. Why would it matter almost 20 years later? Because I was author of that name! Well, the author of half the name. And I wanted him to sign one of his books for me using that name. Big problem the second: I forgot to bring the book. Don’t look at me in that tone of voice! I know what I did and I know how stupid that was. Look, it’d already been a very long, hot day full of emotion* before I even left to make the journey out to the middle of nowhere to see him. I couldn’t possibly be expected to remember VERY IMPORTANT items I almost desperately wanted signed by THE GREATEST, FUNNIEST, AND MOST HANDSOME SCOTTISH LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST AND COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD! It’s like you don’t know me at all, people! Have you fallen so out of love with me your blog reading that you’ve forgotten all my (very) charming (and occasionally frustrating) quirks?
Le sigh.
I’m disappointed enough in myself, I don’t need your help in that department.
Problem the third: I also forgot to ask about his kids. Oh, the stories he told about his kids! So funny! So absolutely charming! So clever! The only kids I knew who were as funny and charming and clever as his kids were mine. Truly. I wanted to know if they continued to be funny, charming, and clever…like mine. Because: parents. IYKYK, right? Right.
All said and done, it was a beautiful day punctuated with the most magical evening of laughter and absolute joy. If I ever figure out how to post photos here again, I’ll post the pic of me beside THE GREATEST, FUNNIEST, AND MOST HANDSOME SCOTTISH LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST AND COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD. And you will once more envy my glamorous life. (Glamorous in that I had one night away from GmaB and the farm, but it still counts!)
And that’s the story of how Craig Ferguson took my virginity.
* My best friend got married and I photographed her wedding. She was completely stunning! She looked so happy! And the latter part is and was the most important part of the equation. I really want her to be happy.
***emits girlish squeal***
I am so jelly! But that’s wonderful!!!! Well, actually two very wonderful things and both are life changing.
Bet you won’t stop smiling for two weeks!
Comment by pam — 2023/10/16 @ 04:23
SQUEEEEEEEEE! I’m so glad you get it!
Honestly, Craig is everything I’d hoped…and more. I’ve always been a fan (since Maybe This Time with Betty White and Marie Osmond) and my love for him and his very funny characters has only grown since then. Then he has to go and be all human and sweet (think: his stance on NOT using Britney Spears’ troubles as comedy fodder on his show [I think I actually wept when he spoke up about the way she was being treated by comedians/talk show hosts — what a mensch!]). My admiration grew from there. And when he almost had KA (remember that period of my life?!?) kicked out of TLLS because KA kept quacking when Craig was talking about Duck Dynasty, I think I loved him (Craig) most of all. (KA could be very rude and found himself to be the most important and interesting person in every setting…NPoS [narcissistic piece of shit].)
Sigh. Le sigh. Le gros soupir.
Hey, don’t mind me. I’m just a 57-year-old woman who harbors deep admiration and affection for THE GREATEST, FUNNIEST, AND MOST HANDSOME SCOTTISH (former) LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW HOST AND COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD.
P.S. try two years. YEARS, Pam-a-lam-a-ding-dong-dilly-do. With love from J. Baloney Who Loves Cheese and Macaroni and Always Wanted a Pony (but whose little sister got one instead but somehow I was often made to muck out the corral).
Comment by Da Goddess — 2023/10/22 @ 12:51