Overwhelmed
I’ve spent much of the past couple weeks overwhelmed by emotions. Just about anything and everything reminds me of Dad. Sometimes the memories bring smiles; mostly, though, I’ve been drowning in my tears.
One of the most overwhelming thoughts running through my brain is the last truly lucid conversation I had with Dad. I cringe when I think of it. I know it caused him distress to think of me unhappy and in a precarious situation. I regret that so much. I want to go back and just talk about everything except my troubles. I want to go back and just ask him to tell me stories about his life.
The thing is, I can’t go back. Nor can I change the conversation we had. I also know I can’t live with regret over something that cannot be changed. So, for now, I let the tears fall and focus on his final night, our conversations throughout the night, and the fact I was able to be there with him. It brings some comfort, but it’s also a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.
I know grief is a process and can’t be rushed. I know this will take as long as it takes. I’m just going to keep working through the emotional jungle of life and hope I get it right at some point.
Getting older and adulting ain’t for sissies.
I left the VA hospital to drive my little brother and myself home, because it was so late at night… and as soon as we hit the door, the phone was ringing. I just knew.
And even though that was 1978, I’m still welling up.
The problems come when we don’t let ourselves experience grief… they’ll spill out when we least expect it… so you’re a very wise woman to let it come instead of fighting it. Hugs and more hugs…
Comment by pam — 2018/07/15 @ 16:07
Hugs to you, too.
You know, I kick myself all the time because despite my feeling horrible about that conversation, I know Dad was happy to hear from me and proud that I’d talk with him about what was going on in my life — good or bad. That any of us kids would come to him for advice or a shoulder to cry on, well, he’d consider it a blessing. He was so practical and amazingly understanding despite trying to act otherwise.
Gah.
I miss him.
Comment by Da Goddess — 2018/07/17 @ 17:21