Da Goddess

Downtime

Sorry I've been gone. I have a really good reason. Honest.

I decided I'd been too harsh in my opinion of the activists here in San Diego, so I embarked on a two day project. I would immerse myself wholly into this experiment - for the sake of fairness.

It started off well enough. I went to bed Saturday night without showering. Mind you, I'd showered late Friday night and worked a twelve hour shift that day. Upon awaking Sunday morning, I had to fight the urge to shower. I gave in to the temptation to wash my face and brush my teeth, but the rest of my hygiene went untended. Within moments, my hair lost its sheen and assembled itself into blonde dreadlocks. My skin, excluding my face, began to wither and flake. My legs and underarms sprouted hair at the most alarming rate.

I felt a bit uncomfortable but knew I had to see this through. I may be an evil imperialist, but dammit! I hate to be hated. I wanted to know what it would be like to be a part of the "cool" unwashed masses that attend the many rallies here in town.

Time passed slowly. I threw myself on the couch and turned on the TV. I watched the local university roundtable. I took notes. It was difficult to follow as the hosts kept hopping from subject to subject, but I was eventually able to connect a few dots. Despite their many contradictions, I found their arguments convincing. George W. Bush was, indeed, a liar. He's also Hitler. And he only wants Iraq because his ranch in Texas is far too small from which to run his empire. Also, I learned that Michael Moore is truly a god. His in depth research for Fahrenheit 911 is astounding! I can't give you any more details. I'm working with what they gave me on the show. That's the other thing I found...you don't need anything of substance to back up your argument when you're living the lifestyle of an activist. A theory is all you need.

I also had to buy into these other theories:

Are you female? The Republicans are sending you on your way to becoming a second class citizen again. Hell, they're trying to take away your right to choose, trying to pay you less, and asking you to walk 10 paces behind your man!

Are you male? The Republicans want you to believe that the Left is emasculating you. By demanding that you share the burden of child-rearing and other domestic chores, they're robbing you of your manhood. And the Right is taking advantage of your inattention. They've replaced key ingredients in your beer with salt peter just so they can build their evil Viagra empire on the back of your impotence.

Are you gay? Well, you better be very afraid that it won't be safe for you here anymore. The Republicans are out to get you.

Foreign born? Your welcome wagon is about to depart. Be on it or beware. Activists have seen this coming for a long time...it's happening. Beware of the big bad Right Wing lunatics.

Children? You're but a moment away from foster care and a lifetime of subjugation. That's what the Evil Empire has in store for you!

Remember, a theory is all that's needed. No proof necessary.

All that jumping to conclusions left me hungry and it was right around this time that I decided it was time to eat. I was able to obtain, with a modicum of effort, some very tasty morsels from the neighbor's trash. The half-eaten hamburger looked good, but I chose to dig deeper and I kept digging until I found some tofu. After scraping off the outer crispy layer of mold, I stir fried a bit with some vegetables I had liberated from another neighbor's garden. I figured they wouldn't mind. I mean, they're doing remarkably well this year and, in the spirit of communal living, allowing me to harvest their crop was the right thing to do.

Settling back in front of the TV, I tried to eat as much as I could of the lovely meal I'd prepared. I guess I was too choked up over the bountiful feast I'd assembled because I could barely manage more than a bite. I really doubt it was the aroma the food or I was giving off.

All of the dumpster diving and non-washing tuckered me out. I curled up in a ball on the couch and took a nap. I slept like a baby. Until my stomach woke me up. It insisted that I race into the bathroom to test the single-ply toilet paper made from 100% renewable resources. A short hour later, as I was attempting to restore circulation to my legs and marveling over the industrial 40 grit smoothness of the TP, I was thankful that I'd not partaken in more of the meal earlier.

Undaunted, I returned to the couch once again. I noticed a sheen on the cushions where I'd been laying just sixty minutes or so before. Damn dreads! Who said they could leak? Don't they know those oils could be used for lighting the lantern in my yurt later? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the yurt. I happened to find one nearby and was planning on spending the night there - after I loaded the cleanest of my dirty laundry into my hemp tote bag.

My stomach was still grumbling a bit so I figured the packing could wait a little longer. I made a list of everything I'd need for my overnight stay - on some of that toilet paper, it was certainly sturdy enough. 30 seconds later, the list was complete. It read:

blanket
one change of clothes -whatever doesn't smell too bad

I'd scavenge food along the way. Brushing teeth wouldn't be necessary, nor would my soap, shampoo, or deodorant.

Of course, all those plans were for naught as I broke the land speed record in the couch-to-bathroom dash after I sampled some of the aromatic government cheese I manage to take from a kid on the corner the day before.

Things went downhill very quickly. I was in there for 18 hours.

I'm very grateful that my neighbors were curious enough about the cries of pain emanating from my humble abode and called the paramedics. Props to the paramedics for only dropping me twice. It's amazing how slick you become when you don't wash. Now that I'm home safe and sound, rehydrated, I've come to a few conclusions. The Left can keep their "Food Not Bombs" trash-picking fun to themselves. They can eschew all the personal cleansing products they'd like. Not me. The only good thing to come from the whole experiment is that the hospital thought I was indigent and didn't charge me for the stay.

I've burned the couch. I've scrubbed myself raw with stuff that my dad normally uses on his car engine. I've driven my car up and down the street for no apparent reason, not caring how much gas I use doing so. And, I've invested heavily in Haliburton. Again.

I feel so much better.

Posted by DaGoddess at November 29, 2004 09:00 PM