Da Goddess

Snorking, Hurling, and Bad TV Reception in Montana

Of all the fabulous discoveries made during the recovery phase of this surgery, let me just say that I'm not really enjoying the attempts at viewing TV from behind all this swelling. Anyone who considers 13 inches GENEROUS surely isn't referring to my television.

Tha's not the worst of it. It might be the constant glob of mucous dangling down the back of my throat. Usually, unimpeded by surgical procedures or just plain bad sinus structures, you can snork it up or down a little, but in my condition, it just hangs there.

Now, some of you have written to me asking exactly what it was that I had done. You don't want some generic description of "sinus surgery." No, you want to know exactly what they did. You want justification for all my whining. I don't know that there really is any justification for my whining other than the fact that HURTS in the most incredible way. But, you asked and I'm a giver by nature.

In order for you to fully understand, though, I must back up a bit and take you on a little walk that I like to call The Adventures in Medical Land.

Doesn't matter what you need to have done, you'll be asked to strip naked and sit around in paper clothing a minimum of six times before you ever make it to the hospital. You'll be poked and prodded in places unrelated to the the area needing the most attention. However, they may discover a new area IN NEED OF ATTENTION and COSTLY MEDICAL CORRECTION, if you're lucky. The thing is, they will fail to mention this until after you've spent a good month recovering from your last ordeal.

When you're asked to disrobe for and by the receptionist at the doctor's office, don't argue. Remember, these people have the power to reschedule you!

Now, let's say you've made it through the X-rays, scans, bloodwork, EKG's, and, ahem, digital exams. You're given a surgery date. The instructions that they send you with your approval (hang on to THAT PIECE OF PAPER!) go a little something like this:

• You may not eat anything for three days prior to surgery. There is no medical reason behind this when you're having sinus surgery, we just like to make you suffer.
• We will be shaving your most private places for this operation. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DO THIS AT HOME! Unnecessary for sinus surgery? Sure. But this is how they are able to employ the previously unemployable. They get Ed, the former mortician with a formaldehyde addiction to come in and prep you. I asked for the Brazilian Bikini Wax instead but I have a sneaking suspicion that they need to use up all the dull razors they have amassed over the years before they convert to waxing.
• You will be given a thread-bare gown held together by frayed strings. You'll be asked to get completely undressed and get into this gown. Then, you will be placed in the freezer down in the morgue until the operating room is ready for you.

Okay, so we've covered the basic protocol for any procedure. You're still asking for the particulars of mine.

Fine.

Essentially, they took a freakin curtain rod and rammed it up my nose. Then, they scrubbed the inside of the nose and the sinus cavities with steel wool. After spraying the raw areas liberally with tabasco and lime, each nostril was stuffed with a box of tissues...........which doesn't sound bad, but those cardboard corners HURT. Okay, so it's not really a box of tissues. More like whale tampons.

And splints. Let's not forget the splints. Used to hold the nares open, they implant these splints. But, I swear, these splints...they're really hand splints and they're both giving me the finger.

All this is jam-packed into your sinuses and other nasal structures, occluding your airway completely. This is important to remember because, what happens when you're completely occluded? Negative pressure. Repeat after me. NEGATIVE PRESSURE. This means that every time you need to swallow, your lungs will be pulled up your trachea and into your skull. It's a thrilling experience. One sure to leave you breathless.

Did I mention the whale tampons? Yes, I believe I did. You know how big a whale is, right? Keep that in mind as you recall that these things are placed in your nose! While my proboscis was never truly petite to begin with, neither did it require me to have a face the size of Montana on which to park it. Until now. Wide open spaces is the schnozz's new motto. All because the doctors thought it fun to see just how much they could stretch everything. Cute, guys. Really cute.

So, I guess it's possible that this stretching, reaming, and general harassment of my nose is what's causing the nasal equivalent of a Quiet Riot concert.

You know, I never really touched on the fun I had with hurling the blood clots since the surgery. After careful consideration, I think it's just as well that I leave this and other gastrointestinal functions out of it. Nor will I regale you with tales of the coral colored fluid constantly running from my nose, down the back of my throat, and the way it burns into my flesh. You okay with that?

Anyhow, I have spent the last several days adjusting to all these fabulous extras. Tomorrow morning, I will be subjected to the removal of such fabulousness. I can only imagine that I'll be the latest heiress to nose porn. "Capable of ejecting a volleyball from either nare, watch now as her WIDE OPEN GAPING SINUSES allow her to take out all the Iraqi rebels in one fell swoop!" Yes, nasal porn star and hometown hero.

I swear, I'm doping myself up heavily for the fun that awaits me in the morning. I'm starting after dinner tonight.

This may not provide you with adequate justification for my whining and kvetching, but I don't really care at this point. What I care about is that this happened to me and if I could somehow channel all my powers, like Tia did in Escape to Witch Mountain (only the first one, the second was like all other sequels - pointless!), I would heap a fraction of this upon the first unsympathetic person who dared cross my path. However, I don't have Tia's powers...only the incredible ability to mimic them as I hold my hand up to my head and grimace. (It doesn't look much like a grimace on the outside, but on the inside? It's ferocious!)

You asked. I answered. I'm such a giver.

Posted by DaGoddess at May 26, 2004 04:51 PM