Da Goddess

"out-prick"
LOVE that phrase...will remember that phrase.

"$8.75/hour"
Damn! That has to be minimum wage in CA. Student loans going back to school would yield more per hour!

Finally, I'm terribly sorry you are all going through this. I hope that the scenario improves, for your son's sake.

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru all this. It Does Suck when one parent doesn't have the god given sense of a toad to be the adult. I remember how very hard it is to watch the little ones suffer.

I wish I could offer something other than support and good thoughts - but that's the best I can do. Stay Strong. It's so worth it in the end.

Just asking, but how does "If you can't make your regular days, that's not my problem. You're not getting him on my days." make him an ass? Doesn't he have a right to spend time with his kid, too? I've seen you be just as nasty right back at him - in retaliation for his own prick-like behaviors.
"when I see my little boy reaching out and begging for a connection to other men - not his father - it scares me." - as long as they are men YOU know and trust and not some guy hanging out at the school, offering video games and candy to the vulnerable and impressionable little boys and then doing fuck knows what to your son, stop complaining.
You should be happy that Citizen Smash is one of the guys he's looking up to. You say you're happy that he is, but your words say otherwise.

Greg, as you well know, a young boy will seek guidance from anyone that he believes worthy.His choice may not be of the parents' choosing, nor ours.

Perhaps you might look back into your childhood before judgement is passed.

Please don't turn this into A-Man's site.

-J

Know that thoughts are with you during this time. Know also that I am glad that he does have as good a role model, as good a challenge, as Smash represents. It gives him something far better to shoot for.

*long tight hugs*

I feel for ya, hon ... and I know how it can be at times. If you ever need a shoulder or an ear ... I am here.

I grew up without a father, but I did at least have a father figure in the guise of my uncle, who read to me, taught me how to draw, and taught me to strive to be my best. It's a shame everyone can't have someone like that.

Of course, it's a different era now. But even so, it's only now coming to light that folks of my generation suffered abuse at the hands of trusted adults.

Maybe it's different for girls. Although I don't think so. A girl deprived of a father figure will grow up to bounce from one man to another, looking for the father she never had. Does a boy do the same thing? Or are little boys conditioned to just buck up and be strong and hide those feelings?

Makes me glad I never had kids. It is a horrifying responsibility.

Loiq, How the Hell does my comment suddenly send this site in to a nose-dive and in danger of becoming something like Acidman's site?
Because I didn't say something that was in blubbering support of Joanie? Because I asked a question that was an attempt to get some clarification?
Puulease.
We're bloggers. Joanie is like Acidman, I'm like Acidman, VK is like Acidman. If we didn't want the attention, we wouldn't blog, we'd write in a little diary with a lock that we kept in our hope chest, hidden.

Tell me what about my childhood you think I should look back upon.

You know, I come here to support DaGoddess and read about her trials and tribulations. I come here to offer her support unconditionally. I come here to read her humorous discourse on the unpleasantries of life.

Yes, if a blogger didn't want "the attention", then he or she would keep a private journal of their experiences. However a personal blog is just that; Personal. I don't expect or even WANT a "point-counterpoint" discussion. DaGoddess isn't perfect; DUH. Having an emotionally attached "other of significance" enumerate her transgressive actions doesn't bring much to the table, save for explicitly demonstrating the contentious behavior expressed by people who no longer see eye to eye.

This is HER forum, and her perception is that the EX is an asshole; Perceptions are reality. (i.e. I think coffee tastes like shit, therefore for me the reality is that coffee tastes like shit no matter what Juan Fucking Valdez says.)

Here, the EX is an asshole. If he wants to have someone express otherwise, let him put up his own fucking web page, and people can rally around him there. Even then, here he'll still be an asshole, just an asshole with a web page, and that, my "forest for the trees" friend, is what the internet is built on.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.

Sorry that you have to live through this crap. I am so thankful my ex isn't in my life at all. I hope it stays that way.
I hope everything works out well, and soon !

About 30 years ago (God, was it really that long ago?) my father walked out on my mother and me. Then he tried to get me to come live with him and the step. Looking back, I think it was so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

But it was pure hell to have to live through. To this day, he's about half-useful. Calls every six months or so. Has never seen his granddaughter or visited my wife and I in our home.

Part of me wants to say "screw him" but the other part - the part of the son - has to keep in touch. It's good to know that your son has a strong male role model to look up to. Keep those guys in your life - somehow. The affection Little Dude craves may not come from men in the way you think, but it might show up in his teens, or later through strong drink and women.

I agree, as well, that you should work some sort of deal out where the kid is not split between the two of you. Go with one or the other and let the visits occur over summer if necessary. That sounds callous, but I think I suffered more damage when I was going back and forth every other weekend than when my father finally moved away and I was able to focus on living the life that I was supposed to - at least until I was in my teens. ;-)

Cheer up. Do the best you can. Love your son. He will always love you for it. I know I love my mom for what she put up with and keeping me running through those years.

Hi,

Your site is lovely. Just wanted to say that I feel your suffering.

I'm going through a similar thing myself. My ex is always outpricking himself to make trading time a total pain, adding up to the last hour, acting like I'm trying to cheat him of his time... Even though he has full halftime!

Plus he doesn't seem to have discipline at all-Krispy Kreme trips anytime my son wants and all the big expensive lego sets, no bedtime... Grrrr... I'm so worried my boy is going to absorb his shitty attitude.

I'm really grateful for the good role models my son has in the other men in his life, they are awesome, but I understand being torn by it as well.

It's a scarey and vulnerable thing to have your child half-raised by someone who has become a hostile stranger.

Is this where we put our blubbering support?

Really Joan, I don't think Spenser could possibly ever find someone to look up to better than Mr. Smash. He'll be fine. He has you.

Foo. Try too, Your comment submission thingy does not accept my URL.

Oh my dear. I think you have to have marched in this parade to really get it.

I had the lovely pleasure of spending lots o time this past weekend with my former husband, our daughter, and the new, decorative, narcissitic, and pregnant wife. Who is all kissy and sweet to me in the presence of others. Who swears she "loves Allison" but refuses to meet with me to discuss parenting issues. Who swears "Allison is so important to me" but has a totally hissy witch fit if former husband proposes meeting with me to discuss things such as Allison's education plan, so he doesn't call, just doesn't show up.

Gack. I really do not have any good advice for you. I read Pema Chodron and the Dalai Lama for inspiration as how to be gracious. I channel my grandmothers. I look for people who are big hearted. I point out stories and people who are admirable.

I don't know how old the Lil Dude is. Life was OK for Al at 10 when we went to 7 days/7 days. In January (after a bunch of efforts ) we went to the tired, but functional, every-other-weekend at Dad's. This was when she was 15.

Oh my dear. There are lots of men in your life; point out to the Dude the ones you admire, and why. It can be as little as this: "Oh look. There's the guy who picks up our garbage. It is a hard job; he has to get up really early and be around smelly things. But he does it. Thank you, Garbage Guy". "Oh, look, Dude, it is raining, but there is the Phone Guy. He is fixing somebody's phone. He is wet but doing things for other people." I know, it sounds dumb, but try it out. Look for men who are doing hard or difficult or dirty or thankless jobs, and point them out to the Lil Dude, remarking on how manly the workers are. It is all about values. Babble, talk, point out the people who manifest your values.....it is indeed propaganda, but that is what you need to counter the uhhhhhh,,,,,,,mmmm, not so positive messages that ooze from the former husband's area.

Resentment is a waste of time and energy. Revenge is its own punishment. Forgiveness and acceptance is the royal road (and NO, this does not involve approval--just the opposite).

I came across this poem and thought of you and this post.
http://www.belladora.com/pages/smallman.html

I feel unfit to comment about this situation, not being a parent. Yet, being a woman, who once filled a perceived void by chasing after men, I can at least say that maybe just backing off a bit and giving yourself some time alone for awhile may help dispel some of the confusion your son might feel.

Right now, YOU are his one constant. That must never change. Readers, and Joan, this is not a morals lesson here, but just trying to explain that sometimes, children, being sensitive and impressionable souls, can't discern the difference between a Mr. Right and a Mr. Right Now.

An example that didn't really make sense to me until I was a grown woman was a little girl at my school when I was about 6 years old. She had this habit of jumping up on strange men. Going up to them (male teachers and the principle for example), and climbing on them, begging to be picked up. Also, I recall she talked about her various uncles. (I had a couple of uncles, too, but this little girl had a platoon of them.) I remember thinking to my six-year-old self, "Gee, she sure has a lot of uncles!" Uncle Ted, Uncle Roger, Uncle Mike, Uncle Paul, etc.

YOu get what I'm trying to say. Maybe it's different with girls, as I said in an earlier comment. Or maybe it's not. I don't know. I just offer it for your consideration.

And, as with everything else that rolls off my tongue and my keyboard, worth exactly what you paid for it.

Take care!

J ;-)

Tell that same story to my ex-wife. I haven't seen or talked to Quinton since the middle of February. You know how I feel about that boy, and he is being used as a weapon against me.

The doctor said that one of my problems that had me feeling so badly lately probably was an ulcer. I wonder why?