December 04, 2003

Little. Black. Sambo Simple.

It shouldn't come as any surprise to you that I'm very difficult to please when it comes to something as basic as a purse. Of course, you have no idea just how difficult it is to please me until you have to accompany me on an expedition to locate the perfect pocketbook. I don't do this very often and resent having to do so when the occasion arises.

I've had the same purse for about three years. That's a lot of wear and tear for one little handbag to take, but it's done well and is only now showing the strain of our travels (and travails.) This little bit of nothing has been my best friend during those years and it's with a sad and tear-filled heart (tearful just doesn't work in that sentence) that I must bid adieu.

So, while out on my happy, merry, fun Christmas shopping excursion to WalMart the other night, I decided to look for my little buddy's replacement.

I have some very simple requirements:

  • Black. The item must be black. It goes with everything. It's classic.
  • Small. It must be small. Anything big will allow me too much freedom in the collection of unnecessary detritus in the vast bottomless pit that it soon becomes. Small. My back and shoulders demand this.
  • No more than two (2) visible compartments. These include snapped, zippered, and/or buckled pouches. More pouches mean more things can be put in those areas and I will be unable to locate what I need when I need it. Invariably, this will cause you, the person behind me in line at the grocery store, a major delay as I hunt through each and every little pocket for the store card that will save me 15¢ on the can of frozen lemonade I can't live without.
  • Unadorned. I want plain. I don't want elaborate stitching. I don't want dangly bits from the zippers and snaps. I don't want cute little sayings stamped into the faux leather. I want plain. Plain goes with everything. Plain is classic.
  • A shoulder strap. I'm not a HAND handbag kind of gal. No. I like the strap over my shoulder so that I can load my arms up with items (I didn't anticipate getting all these things. I came in for the one can of lemonade, okay?) and not have to worry about trying to fit the handles of my purse into the fray. Over my shoulder is perfect. If need be, I will commit the most outrageous and unflattering of all fashion crimes with that shoulder strap, too. I will slip it over my head and, yes, the strap will cross my body, cleaving my cleavage.
  • Did I mention small? The purse must allow me to carry my driver's license, four photos of my children, my nursing license, my CPR, PALS, and NRP cards, my social security card, three wet wipes, my zoo card, money, ATM card, Sea World cards for two of us, a pen, my mini planner/calendar, my insurance card, six rub-on tattoos for my son, and three business cards. That's it. If I can also squeeze an inhaler in there, great. Otherwise, I hold that in my hand.
  • Inexpensive. Okay, cheap. I refuse to pay more than $10 for it. I'd rather spend money on other things. Like lemonade.
  • Then there's the size. I want small. Oh. I mentioned that already? Well, I mean it. I want small. To accentuate my large ass. Small purses and big asses are classics.

Forty-five minutes after I began, I found one bag that came close (I'm being generous here) to meeting my requirements. Since I didn't want to spend another forty-five minutes at Target (or - SHUDDER - K-Mart) later on, I added this "almost right" item to the cart.

Today was the big test. I don't like the two extra handles on this thing. I don't use them. I don't want them. There's no way to cut them off. They flop out to the sides like airplane wings. They're ungainly and unseemly. However, until I find the ideal replacement to what I have, this will have to do. On the upside, since this thing is a bit bigger than I normally use, I have room for my cell phone, keys, and sunglasses. This is perfect for freeing up my hands in the store. The purse is also free of extraneous slips of paper that have no bearing whatsoever on my ability to function as a human being.

I'll continue to search for the perfect little pocketbook. Yes. Yes, I will. It's calling to me. It's out there. There are just way too many other things happening right now for me to devote entire days/evenings/weeks to honing in on its location. It'll come to me when the time is right.

When I finally do locate the purse I want....you know, the perfect little black handbag, I'll probably do the dance of happiness. I'll post pictures of it. I'll drag you all through each and every thrill-a-minute replay of the purchase. That's a promise.

As pointed out by the ever-sensible, and ALWAYS delightful, fashionista Jodi, I did neglect to mention the fabric. Human flesh, as mentioned in Jodi's comment, tends to smell bad after a few days when not properly cured.

Anyhow, the purse MUST BE EASILY CLEANED. Either by water, Handi-Wipe, spit, or alcohol swab.

Posted by DaGoddess at December 4, 2003 02:14 AM
Comments

Oh, my. I've been with Dudette on several of these shopping excursions. I hope you find what you want.

Posted by: Wichi Dude at December 4, 2003 02:39 AM

My sisters "perfect handbag" has a little light in it that turns on when it's open. Like a fridge...

Posted by: Greeblie at December 4, 2003 03:19 AM

I'm glad you bought the "almost" purse. I, on the other hand, seem to always think that the "perfect" purse is at the next store, so I keep dragging my ragged old purse around everywhere I go. I'm still on the search. :)

Posted by: amber at December 4, 2003 05:19 AM

You didn't mention fabric criteria. Leather? Pleather? Human skin? Paper machier?

Posted by: Jodi at December 4, 2003 05:21 AM

Although you mentioned that you didn't want to go to Target, (we all know how much you LLOOOOVVVVEEEE shopping!) I can almost guarantee you can find the perfect purse there. I'm not sure about the ones in CA, but the Targets here in FL have a vast array of small, simple black purses. Good luck!!

Posted by: Amanda at December 4, 2003 05:45 AM

I know what you mean...I hate shopping for a new purse. I've starting looking again. I figure mine's got about another year left in it, and it'll take me at least that long to find a replacement. My current one is a plain black miniature backpack that I picked up 3 yrs. ago for $7 to use for travelling. I liked it so much that it became my primary purse....there's even room for the Pull-Ups & wipes that I have to carry now. For WildChild, not me.

I'm not THAT old. Yet.

Posted by: rita at December 4, 2003 06:12 AM

Hey, Greeblie...one of my co-workers spent an entire morning talking about her fabulous new purse that has a little blue "indiglo" light in it...I know what you're talking about. My only question was "why?"... oh, the reasons she came up with!

Posted by: Greg at December 4, 2003 06:34 AM

I like one kind of purse too. And when one wears out, I will scour the earth to find another just like it, and will pay whatever I have to. Even if it means selling the house. The purse must come first.

Posted by: TW at December 4, 2003 07:02 AM

Oh, and dollface, I've been giving this a little more thought, and I have to say this: Why travel with anything but Coach? I realize Coach is a bit more expensive than what you indicate, but c'mon, it's HOLIDAY time, and certainly you are worthy of the extra investment.

I have had my outrageously perfect Coach bag (black, of course) (please) for YEARS. It gets better with age, is seemingly indestructible, and of course, it is a classic.

C'mon. Fly Coach.

Posted by: Jodi at December 4, 2003 08:14 AM

Sounds like my quest for the perfect all-season coat. And the perfect gloves.

Posted by: Z. Hendirez at December 4, 2003 12:03 PM

I have a great, cheap, bag. It's black. It has an adjustable strap (wear it short over the shoulder or wear it long, across zee body) - it has a zipper compartment for keys on the front flap. It has a zipper compartment (larger) on the inside. It's made of nylon (washable!) It's from Old Navy. Happy hunting!

Posted by: Cindy at December 4, 2003 12:20 PM

Heh! You've been known to leave your purse in a Cracker's truck at Jacksonville Airport, too, them ask him to go back and fetch it when you were in a panic. Maybe you should buy a bigger one next time.

Posted by: Acidman at December 4, 2003 12:28 PM

I second the nomination for Coach. I bought one at the Coach outlet store for $90 and I can't imagine buying any other brand of purse again. They are expensive, but the cost is justified for a purse that will stay in style and last many years.

Posted by: sugarmama at December 4, 2003 01:32 PM

I'm with you girlfriend!

Posted by: Susan at December 4, 2003 04:07 PM

So, when you find The Perfect Purse, why not just buy 2-3 of them?

Posted by: geena at December 4, 2003 04:27 PM

I like big purses (not luggage big, but big enough to carry a good sized book). I will only look at leather as that is the easiest to clean.

It must have 2 large compartments and a small zippered compartment (this can be inside one of the large compartments) for the main bag - then it needs two outside compartments; one for keys, gum and change - the other for business cards, credit cards etc (this part must be zippered).

Color is unimportant, as long as it is dark (am too much of a slob to own ANYTHING light colored).

Oh, did I mention it must be under $20?

Posted by: bogie at December 4, 2003 08:54 PM

Nobody else mentioned the ass/purse relationship but I can relate to that. ;)

Posted by: medicmom at December 4, 2003 11:33 PM

I too am *very* picky about my purse. My requirements are similar to yours except I need a medium large one, with at least 3 compartments in black. Shoulder strap - yes! The one I have now that's 4 years old is just starting to crack at the straps. I'll pay up to $25 to $30 for one, but not more. The last one I got at Gottschalks on sale for about $25 for a $40 purse and it's lasted 4 years. I've been casually looking for about a month now and so far - nada that satisfies my requirements.

Posted by: suzi at December 5, 2003 08:29 AM

I'm so glad Geena asked the obvious question. Guys asking reasonable, logical questions about purse purchasing are doomed.

It's another one of those examples for men of "the only way to win... is not to play."

Posted by: LightandDark at December 5, 2003 10:13 AM

There is something about finding the RIGHT purse that is necessary. I agree with you on several of your perfect purse requiremnets, including not paying alot for it. My last perfect purse was worn so long that I killed the lining and had to replace the shoulder straps not once but twice. I got frustrated and bought an almost perfect purse a little over a year ago and was on the look out for a true perfect purse until I found one at a thrift store(it still had the store tags on it) and spent $5 on it. A perfect purse is dang hard to find but really worth it.

Posted by: Way at December 5, 2003 07:47 PM

I got my little black purse at Ross (always a gamble as to what they'll have.) It has a front pouch with a zippered change compartment that divides it into two sections, which I use for money&checkbook and coupons&other bits of paper, two loops for pens, and little slots for various and sundry cards. A tube of lip balm just fits. It has a back pouch with an integral planner, calendar (which I removed after purchase), calculator (likewise removed), little sticky notes (really useful) and address book, plus a clear window holder for my driver's license. It also has a huge "cellphone pouch" on the front that I use for my glasses.

The strap is long, and for some reason clips onto metal rings on the purse. (I have used this strap as an emergency leash.) The metal rings are handy as I use the clip on my keys to hang them from the purse.

One of the zipper tags has almost worn away and must be replaced, but this purse has otherwise served me for over two years. If I remember correctly, it cost me $12.

And I hated purses for so long that my first two were mini backpacks-- if this one weren't so perfect (and smaller), I'd still be using them.

Posted by: B. Durbin at December 8, 2003 02:16 PM

I know they are a bit pricy, but they are classic and sturdy and endure forever--- I have to add in with the other offerings for Coach. I carried a Coach leather shoulder bag every day for 17 years. They repaired it for free after the 10-year mark, and when I sent it back for another round of repairs, they sent me a whole new one, of equivalent design and color. They have a customer for life, I'd never consider buying from anyone else. ($20, and you have to buy another one after 2-3 years? A $120 Coach bag is a savings when it lasts for 10 years)

Posted by: Sgt. Mom at December 9, 2003 01:37 PM