September 28, 2003
I Don't Think Moving to a New Village Is An Option
What is it with all these parents who don't want their kids watching shows like Rugrats, Spongebob, Hey, Arnold! or Rocket Power? They tell me that their kids aren't allowed to watch the Nickelodeon shows because they don't promote the types of values that they believe are necessary for raising morally responsible children.
No. Not a single show on Nickelodeon is appropriate. So, they allow the kids to watch shows like Dragonball Z, Yu-Gi-Oh! and Pokemon.
I watched as some of these children went around a local amusement park, kicking photo booths for no reason. I watched as they ran after birds, kicking at them. I'm not talking about pretend karate kicks. I'm talking about angry, energetic movement.
I watched as they whined and griped their way until they got what they wanted.
Granted, I'd never seen this kind of behavior from them before. But, I'm starting to wonder if there's a connection between the way they act and what they watch and/or how their actions are monitored and guided.
Some of these same children are in Cub Scouts with my son. Since I had to work the other night, Greg took the Little Dude to the big pack meeting. At one point, parents, moms and dads were asked to step up with the kids. Greg said he sat at the back of the room with a couple of other people, uttering things like, "well, I'm not his parent but I spend a lot of time with that boy and I care about him." (The majority of the children with whom my son attends school have families that are "intact.") I'm starting to wonder if I want my son involved with Cub Scouts now if they're going to continue to make him and the others feel excluded from the One Big Happy Natural Family thing they're trying to promote. Someone else's idea of what's moral and good may not jibe with what our reality is. It's the promotion of the whole "we're Christians and this is how we see things." Guess what? I'm a Christian, too. Part of that is not judging others or casting people aside because of their differences. My son, and the other boys in the group without "family," shouldn't have been made to feel isolated because of something that isn't in their power to control.
Greg may not be my son's father, but he's someone who puts his time, energy, and heart into making certain that my son and I know we're important and respected. That means more to me than what someone else determines to be morally acceptable.
The mother of two of the boys who misbehaved at the park the other day is one of the Den Mothers. Being the PTA, Cub Scout mom, she'll be representing the other parents I've observed.
I guess my confusion lies in the idiosyncracies of her behavior. Nickelodeon shows aren't good. My son's well-behaved and he watches, mostly, Nickelodeon. Her kids watch the anime stuff and hers act poorly in public. My son joins Cub Scouts to be a part of an activity that will help him make new friends and allow him to do things, like camping, with his buddies. I thought that's why most kids are placed in Scouts. My son gets separated from the group because his family's different. I do recognize that there is the "family values" component to Cub Scouts, but I didn't think that it would be played up so much at a pack meeting.
Will my marital status now stand in the way of my son's friendships? Will someone's judgment of my life choices be thrust upon innocent kids? Are these judgments fair?
It seems that, more and more frequently, as we all spend time together, doing things with the kids, I'm finding that I'm the one who watches the kids while she walks off to talk on her cell phone or gossips with another parent. Over the last year, this woman and I have become friends. We've talked about what our families mean to us and some of the challenges we've faced in raising our kids. Her attitude toward parenting seems to have changed drastically and it's odd to see the changes in her kids, especially when you consider all the things she says she believes in.
I don't understand the holier-than-thou attitude from someone who has always seemed very level-headed and calm. She's gone from calm and involved to distracted and very vocal about what she believes is "right." Her kids have gone from really well-behaved children to the kind of kids I would put on time-out or spank, were they mine.
Of course, I'm using one mother to illustrate what I see happening with many others. Her kids and her stance aren't all that different from so many others. I see it every single day. I see kids who are pulled in a million directions and scheduled within an inch of their lives. The morality police are on high patrol at all times. If you're confused, ask Acidman what I mean. He paints a great picture of how his son's life has been booked and planned by the boy's mom and how she acts one way in church and behaves another when dealing with the Gutdude. Yes, they present themselves (to the masses) as paragons of virtue, yet they fail to act that way in real life.
I'm not equating the women I know with Acidman's ex based on his ex's treatment of him with the divorce. I'm trying to draw a parallel between how structured she keeps their son's life and how she, and many others, use church/Christianity and public perceptions of what's right to obscure the fact that these people aren't really paying attention to what's happening with their kids.
Many of the parents with whom I come in contact don't act this way. Still, many of them do. Sometimes, when we take the kids out after school to do something, there's a mixture of a dad or two in with the moms. In general, all have embraced Greg and me with an air of inclusion.
Don't get me wrong. My son's not always an angel. He doesn't always remember his manners. He doesn't always behave as I expect. I'm merely saying that, in general, my son is a gentle sort of boy, who doesn't strike out at inanimate objects or animals as I've observed these other kids. He chooses the shows on Nickelodeon over the other shows. His family is split. Yet, he retains that mostly well-behaved, "nice little boy" demeanor that his father and I have raised him to have. We watch television with him. We participate in his life. The people I've chosen to be a part of my life, the part that includes him and his sister, are people I feel share the same beliefs. We all take active roles in his life. We don't say we think something, we actually do the work.
Maybe I'm not being very clear with any of this. That's okay. I'm trying to work this out for myself more than anything. I'm taking my observations and trying to get them to make sense, if that's at all possible.
This isn't something I've observed to be localized. I've read similar observations on other blogs or on message boards. I've seen it happening in the other places I've lived. I've talked with other parents about this. It's pretty much what people from all over have observed as par.
I guess what I'm wondering is if some those who are speaking out of the corners of their mouths aren't the ones adding to the increasingly maladjusted population with their poorly supervised children. They give the ideas all the lip service in the world, but they fail to back it up with hands-on involvement.
This was more than I expected to write. I mean, I was sitting outside, after dropping my son off at his dad's, and I was pondering the events and observations of the last several days. I don't think I'll ever understand most of what I see happening around me, but I feel like it's part of my job, as a parent, to try to make some headway and adjust my course as needed. If I'm going to have to counteract some of what my son is being told, by outsiders, I'm going to have to try to wrap my head around all the components.
While I believe that some of the shows on television are drivel, this really isn't about the cartoons the kids watch. It's not really about Cub Scouts. It's not about religion. It's not even about families being intact or split. It's about the time and attention you give your kids. It's about the way you interact with them and allow them to grow. It's about the type of presence you have in your child's life. Christian or Jew or Buddhist or whatever, all the rules for living and giving are what you pass along to your kids. Not just in words, but in actions. Being physically present but emotionally detached, or inattentive, won't pass along the values and ideals you want your children to learn. You have to participate and show them the way.
Can you believe that there are people who think parenting is nothing more than giving birth and providing room and shelter to little ones?
After all this, I need a nap.
Posted by DaGoddess at September 28, 2003 01:32 PMI get it! To paraphrase the 'picture' guy, "Example is worth a thousand words." Good post, Joanie.
Posted by: Indigo at September 28, 2003 04:24 PMI've always said, morals should never be one size fits all. People exclude my family from the traditional definition because it has no children involved. We're still a family, even if it is just us two.
Family isn't all blood and dna. Family is love and responsibility and caring and quality.
I've seen "families" of 6 that had less of those things than a pack of baboons.
I've lived through the same thing. My thoughta are, parents can't let kids be kids any more. They have to try to micro-manage them, much like a large corporation. You know, "our productivity is up, efficiency is up, cost is down...Our kids do more that your kids, we do it quicker, better and at a better facility..."
"Ours are more MORAL than yours."
The kids are being turned into a showpiece for their own benefits.
Dudette and I love ours. She's no angel but she is independent and a solid citizen, no looming leach on society.
Ohhhh - I could have written that post Joanie. I have some of the same issues with our Girl Scout troop. But, that's going to change this year as I am now in charge and I won't tolerate the nonsense we had last year! {{{hugs}}} to you and your lovely family!
Posted by: Kate at September 28, 2003 07:15 PMI didn't mind bringing Little Dude to the meeting, despite my feelings about Scouts (I won't go in to it here).
If your boyfriend or girlfriend has a son in Scouts and you really want to feel like an outsider, bring the kid to a Scout meeting.
All during the meeting, the Mother and Father role - and the fact that I am neither - was shoved down my throat.
Phrases like "okay have your Mom or Dad...", "will the Parents of so-n-so..." or "Come to our next camp out. Its a chance for Scouts and their Moms and Dads..."
I won't even start on the heavy emphasis on "Christian values" and how "Jewish and Other Faiths" was mentioned as an afterthought and an "ugh, THOSE PEOPLE" kind of tone.
Raising our just-turned-a-precocious-two-year-old daughter has been logistically difficult since my ex lives in Germany and I live in Los Angeles. However, I made the commitment to provide enough so she (my ex ) can stay home and raise our daughter full-time. Every 3 months I visit for 3 weeks. No matter what else is going on in my life, it stops for those 3 weeks. My ex and I have our moments of getting along and our times of disagreeing. But we agreed a long time ago our daughter would always come first and we would not let our difficulties affect her. Today my ex called. She told me that while playing in her room, my daughter started doing somersaults while singing (in English, which is significant because she normally speaks German) "Mommy loves me and Daddy loves me..."
Suddenly every time I had to work late into the night, every time I thought I was too exhausted to take another step, each worry about how to make enough money to continue, became as tiny as a grain of sand on the beach.
Like all young children, my daughter can drive both of us up a wall occassionally with her "testing" behavior. But she is a good, sweet little girl with a big heart. And now I know what we have been trying to do is taking root. She is happy and confident and secure. This is the basic foundation on which she will build the rest of her life. What more could a father want? This is all you can really do; give them the tools and confidence to make their own way in the world.
I'm confident she learned by seeing how we acted and not by mere words. Even though we are not together any longer, in our daughter's presence we are certain to treat each other with respect and always, always, always show her our love and respect. Even when she is being disciplined. Seing the result and knowing it could make all the difference in her life turning out differently than mine makes it all worthwhile.
Joanie, you're on the right track. And I'm certain you and Greg give the Little Dude all the love, attention and support any young boy could want. Keep it up. You have your own internal moral compass and you should continue to follow it.
Posted by: majestic at September 28, 2003 10:04 PMYou got it exactly right when you said "It's all about the time and attention you give your kids. It's about the way you interact with them and allow them to grow. It's about the type of presence you have in your child's life."
I agree with you 100%. You said it very eloquently.
Posted by: suzi at September 28, 2003 11:31 PMYou are absolutely 100% correct, and very well said....as always.
Posted by: Rita at September 29, 2003 04:23 AMI'm really torn here; As an open minded guy, it really irks me that there is no inter-faith, non-denominational, give-peace-a-chance sort of youth group where kids can camp and bond and all those other Ward and June Cleaver sort of things we all want for our children. Then, as a former Boy Scout, I want to ask; "What the fuck were you expecting?" The organization was founded on Christianity, it's very cornerstone. It's oath asks you to swear to God and your Country. It doesn't ask you to swear to "my chosen religious figure should I choose worship and to my country, unless my country acts in a manner to whit I am otherwise opposed." If you were to join the B'nai B'rith, would you bitch about the Jewish faith "being shoved down your throats"? If you join AA, would you say that while it's a good place to sober up, they shove religion down your throats too? I think it's ironic that in an age where tolerance is being preached, no one has any tolerance for Christianity in it's various forms. (I won't start about how being proud of your heritage excludes Eurocentric people.)
In my opinion, if I go to a gay bar, I shouldn't be surprised if some guy wants to fuck me up the ass. If I don't want to get fucked up the ass, I find some other bar where people don't expect me to be fucked up the ass. I shouldn't complain about the butt-fuckery if I knowingly and willingly go into "The Blew Swallow".
I'll take my soap box and go home now.
Posted by: Thomas at September 29, 2003 04:52 AMAlso, unless they start to prohibit foster and adopted parents and from standing up with the boys, Greg has every right to stand up with the little guy as a guardian.
Posted by: Thomas at September 29, 2003 04:56 AMThere is much logic to Thomas's suggestion that you "change the channel" when it comes to your present situation. Like with anything, there are people who will judge you harshly and there are people that won't. I guess the thing you have to consider is the benefit to your child...if there is one, because basically they're gonna judge you wether you're a Den Mother or Den Dad or just standing on line in the grocery store. Folks suck like that.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are people out there with the brains to realize that, that could be them walking in your shoes and recognize how much your son has going for him with you and Greg.
He's a very fortunate young man. Fuck'em if they have a problem with that.
Posted by: Anton at September 29, 2003 10:22 AMWhat about Roadrunner? I watched Roadrunner and never wanted to mail order Acme to blow up a mountain. And how sick and twisted are Mother Goose rhymes?
Posted by: trish at September 29, 2003 11:11 AMthis kind of stuff has bothered me for a long time. Right around when i started seeing parents setting their kids up for playdates and crap. play date?! PLAY date? Even basic childhood free playing is scheduled down, supervised and packed into tiny little hours. My brother and sister are at least 15 years younger than me and the difference in how my stepmom dealt with them and how my mom dealt with me is as big as the universe. To be nice about it, they're both spoiled little brats.
Posted by: pril at September 29, 2003 11:25 AMWow - great post! And great comments, too . . .
Even though we're not quite all of the age of having kids yet, my friends and I have often had a similar discussion, and we share your view, Goddess!
Posted by: ang at September 29, 2003 01:48 PMI would just like to follow up by saying that the term "butt-fuckery" is possibly one of the most brilliant turns of phrase I may ever conjugate.
I'm humbled and saddened at the same time by this epiphany.
That is all.
Posted by: Thomas at September 30, 2003 04:20 AMJoanie, I've been on both sides of the equation, and I can guarantee you that BSA has no qualms over step-dads, step-moms, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever. 99% of Scout leaders are thrilled that there are kids and families engaged enough to be a part of it.
It sounds like you've got a drunk-with-power leader that needs knocking down a peg or two. Instead of sitting in the back and muttering, the guys and gals need to stand up and take part - or better, take charge.
PS No Scout leader I've ever been involved with segregated anybody for familial reasons. You can report that kind of thing to the local council, and I encourage you to do that. Scouting is too important to have it ruined, especially if the Boy likes it, and I bet the local leadership would not approve of it if they knew about it.
Posted by: Scott Chaffin at September 30, 2003 04:22 PMJoanie, I don't get that. As someone who has some pretty strong conservative moral values, I still would prefer that my kid watch "Rocket Power" as opposed to Yugi Oh or whatever crap anime they are pumping out to sell the merchanise these days. Of course, my kid is still three and he gets scared about Scooby Doo. But we do spend more time on PBS Kids, and Nick Jr.
Either way, it's a VERY GOOD THING that your son has a male role model in his life to work toward, even if he's not your son's "father."
I'm wondering if the separation Greg felt was specific, blatant, or was it perceived as a separation. I can't imagine in this day and age a Scout group dissing a kid because he doesn't have an intact family. But then, I was too much into computers to get into the tying a knot and camping in the woods stuff. :-)
Keep thinking about it, though. If you're thinking about raising your kid, you're already doing more than a lot of people who are just going through the motions.
Posted by: bryan at October 1, 2003 06:56 PMExcellent Post Joanie, and everything you said is the truth. It's about how you take care of your kid that counts...not about any rules..Nickelodeon is a very wholesome children's program, and I know about the violence in Anime.
It's good to hear a true voice in the midst of hogwash......
Posted by: Peach at October 3, 2003 09:04 PMIn your opst, I hear a lot of bitterness toward Christian parents and the hypocrisy that you see. For years, I identified Christian people with hypocrisy. I still do when I see it. But I will say that while I was still an UNreligious person, ascribing to my own personal set of spiritual beliefs, I met a number of women (mothers) who actually live what they believe. I don't know if that makes you feel better, but it definitely made me feel better. There is so much to be bitter and unhappy about in this world...other people's religious choices probably don't need to be on the list.
Posted by: mommy at May 13, 2004 10:05 PM