July 30, 2003
Fly Away
My son's CT scan was yesterday.
I was so glad it was done where I work. I know the people there. I know how good they are. I KNEW my son was in great hands.
As a nurse, I know what's involved with the scan and the sedation. I've had to take kids in for the same thing. As a nurse, I can stand confidently by them, hold their hand and soothe them. As a parent, my heart started pounding as I watched my son fight the mask and the medicine. I wanted to hold him close to me and whisper in his ear that he'd be fine. But, I couldn't.
I stood next to him and held his hand. I tried to get in the "professional" mode. I was stuck in "Mom" mode 100% instead. I kept talking to him and encouraging him to let himself fall asleep, letting him know that I was there beside him as was his dad. We each stroked his little hands and said our silent prayers that this would be quick and easy for him.
He fell asleep. And then his legs started jerking. His one arm started jerking and trying to reach up to pull the mask off. Eyes rolled back in his head, he looked so vulnerable and small. None of this was unusual with sedation. It was only unusual for me to be standing there watching my son undergo these changes.
It was very surreal to stand there and see my baby going through that.
The ex and I were then told we could leave. Arrgh! But, that's how it is. We walked downstairs to the cafeteria where we sat and talked about what decisions we may face depending on the findings of the scan. Cochlear implant? Possible. If that's what it takes to restore our boy's hearing completely, that's what we'll do. We won't know for another day or so.
After talking things through we wandered back upstairs to inquire about our boy. He was already awake and out of recovery. We went in to sit with him as the sedation wore off. He was still a bit out of it and complaining of a headache. He wanted to eat. He wanted a popsicle. He wanted apple juice. He wanted us. We were there and he got his popsicle, his juice, and eventually some crackers....which he hid from his dad. Silly kid. It didn't take long at all for him to be back to his usual goofy self.
The nurse was telling us that the staff in Recovery had fallen head over heels for Little Dude. I'm not surprised. He's a sweet, smart, and funny child. I heard the same words that I've said to parents a million times myself. "They all wanted to take him home with them!" It's funny to be on the other end of it, though.
When it was time for us to leave, we headed down to McDonalds for Little Dude's promised cheeseburger. We took the food outside to one of the many beautiful and enchanting gardens. While there, we watched the butterflies flit and flutter from flower to flower and then perch upon some brightly colored wall here and there. I saw a curious looking bug flying about and went to investigate. It flew away before I could get a good look at it. And then, one butterfly came toward me. It brushed against my hair once, twice, three times. It landed on my back and sat there for no less than fifteen minutes. My son was amazed that I had a butterfly sitting on my shoulder. As was I. It was one of those moments that defies description with mere words.
I made a wish on that butterfly. I wished that all the worries about my little boy's hearing would fly away and somehow be resolved easily and without pain. I wished that he could have each and every moment of his life be as magical as this one moment was for him.
The butterfly took off. My thoughts and concerns, I imagined, went with it.
I'm praying the butterfly knows what to do with them. I'm hoping he has connections in high places.
Fly away.
Posted by DaGoddess at July 30, 2003 02:28 AMI'm glad everything went okay today.
Nature is a wonderous thing.
I'm just as anxious to know the results in the next day or so.
We're both nurses with sons named Spencer/Spenser. Incredible. My son went through an MRI when he was two to rule out a brain tumor. That sedation, the MRI machine, all those concerned looks...not something I would wish on anyone.
Good luck, sweetie. Be brave, Spenser.
Posted by: Tracy at July 30, 2003 04:05 AMMy prayers are with you, Joanie! I just went through tests with my Little Butterfly, and as hard as it was for a step-Momma. . . well, I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Peace be with you!
Posted by: Medb at July 30, 2003 04:48 AMOh dear. Our thoughts & prayers are with you.
Posted by: rita at July 30, 2003 05:09 AMThat butterfly resting on your back was a sign to you and Spenser that all will be well. Nature has a way of finding a way to touch you when you really need it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.
Posted by: Val Prieto at July 30, 2003 05:27 AMI'll be thinking about you and yours, hoping you get good news.
Posted by: Candy at July 30, 2003 05:55 AMI watched a PBS special about cochlear implants. What an amazing device. My thoughts are with you and Spenser. I hope he's ok. {{{Joanie}}}
Posted by: Kate at July 30, 2003 07:38 AMI hope all works out well with regard to Spensers hearing. What you wrote with regard to the butterfly was special. You have a bit of poet in you. :-)
Posted by: Mad Bull at July 30, 2003 07:43 AMI hope all works out well with regard to Spensers hearing. What you wrote with regard to the butterfly was special. You have a bit of poet in you. :-)
Posted by: Mad Bull at July 30, 2003 07:43 AM[HUGS] for you and your little one.
Posted by: Ith at July 30, 2003 09:16 AM"True Happiness is like the Butterfly. The more you pursue it, the more it will elude you. If you are patient and still, it will come softly and land on your shoulder."
Beautiful post.
I'll keep thinking good, light, butterfly thoughts for you both, that Spenser will be hearing the gentle flap of wings well into old age.
Posted by: a broad at July 30, 2003 09:16 AM[HUGS] for you and your little one.
Posted by: Ith at July 30, 2003 09:16 AMEverything will work out ok, Joanie. That's one well connected butterfly. :-)
Posted by: dever at July 30, 2003 10:06 AM"good, light butterfly thoughts" are the order for the day! (great comment, a broad). We'll hope for the best, for you and for your son.
Posted by: Buffy at July 30, 2003 10:11 AMHe'll be ok... :-)
Posted by: Guy R. Vestal at July 30, 2003 10:54 AMLovely post.
It's always nice to hear about "moments"
that are appreciated.
Good luck to you and Spenser.
Lovely post.
It's always nice to hear about "moments"
that are appreciated.
Good luck to you and Spenser.
Hugs for you and Spenser, Joanie. I agree with the folks above that the butterfly was a sign everything will be okay.
Posted by: Moxie at July 30, 2003 11:28 AMMy thoughts are with you, sweetie
Posted by: Anton at July 30, 2003 01:37 PMHugs for all of you, Joanie.
Posted by: Cyberangel at July 30, 2003 02:08 PMYou're a wonderful mom! I'm pulling for Spens and the butterfly.
Posted by: Sgt Hook at July 30, 2003 02:08 PMSpenser got what he needed most when he needed, 100% Mom.
Posted by: Paul at July 30, 2003 02:28 PMwishing spenser nothing but the best.
and some peace for you.
keep us posted.
Posted by: dj mo fo at July 30, 2003 03:16 PMWhat a difficult and emotionally draining experience. I hope everything turns out well.
Posted by: Jim at July 30, 2003 05:02 PMI may call myself cynical, but I'm really not, inside I am just an old marshmallow and I absolutely agree with Val--it is, it was a sign...a wonderful sign. All will be well!
Posted by: cyn at July 30, 2003 06:16 PMNothing but best wishes for Spenser and a LITTLE tranquility for you. Keep us up to date. By the way, you have a pretty good sized rooting gallery.
Posted by: Wichi Dude at July 30, 2003 06:28 PM(((hugs))) Good luck to Spenser and I hope everything turns all right. :)
And as for you trying to get in "professional" mode it doesn't work because you are a mommie first and that will always take precedence. :)
Posted by: Martie at July 30, 2003 10:14 PMWe are so connected with the Universe and the world around us. That Butterfly meant something......it was like a guardian angel...I think the butterfly "knows what to do withe them".....
You are loved and cared about....the best to you and little Spenser.
Posted by: Peach at July 31, 2003 12:13 AMAll my best thoughts to you and to Spenser.
Posted by: Lee at July 31, 2003 11:55 AMJoanie, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you you especially that little man of yours. Lots of people sending positive thoughts your way.
Hugs
PJ
That's an awful lot to go through for such a little guy. Keeping all of you in my thoughts.
Posted by: Chris at July 31, 2003 07:29 PMThe professional in me notes the reason that medical people and cops should never try to practice their professions on their families.
The Father in me had to wipe eyes and blow nose,
The human in me is awed by your flutterby.
Thanks for sharing the story, I'll say an extra prayer.