Da Goddess

California Driving Laws - Revised

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the car pool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop. Only on days ending in Y

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light. Only if you have a gas pedal.

The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche. Only if it's paved in gold.

If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots. Only if you don't mind the keying of your vehicle.

Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you. This is true if you don't mind a friendly carjacking at gunpoint later on.

Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible. Especially in parking structures.

While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane. Do this ONLY if you also have your hands on three other things, are yelling at your kids, cursing at other drivers, and have your head planted firmly up your ass.

Every lane is the suicide lane. Why are you giving away grocery store secrets now?????

Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp. No. Not true. The alarm is set to go off 15 minutes after you put The Club\x{2122} in place.

During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes. Silly! You only read while actively moving!

If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of iceplant. Bah. Amateurs.

For parking purposes, all SUV's are compact cars. Honest. But only if you park perpendicular in the parking spot.

To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a mid life crisis. Wrong! Follow these rules: drive at least 45 in hospital and school zones, drive fast enough to keep up with the CHiPs on the freeways (@ 75mph), and add 10 mph to any displayed speed limit sign. If you do not see a speed limit posted, drive whatever you feel will get you to where you need to go the fastest.

If you hear sirens, DO NOT pull over. Slow down exactly where you are and start looking for carnage. Don't slow down! Try to beat the police car/ambulance/fire truck to the scene!

If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the Reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news. Make sure you've been to the spa first. Please. The difference between good television and COPS is a good facial and a manicure.

Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging. Of course! What are you? A heathen?.

Totally disregard on-coming traffic. Only if you have a really large ego. Or have a vehicle capable of traveling at high speeds. Wouldn't want to be thought boring, would we?

If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you! Sometimes, just for fun, you should sit there and wave everyone else through. Regardless of the line of cars stacking up behind you.

Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM. Also applies to the 5/805, the 163/15, and the freeways between the Mexican/Oregon border, Pacific Ocean/Arizona or Nevada.

Never car pool. What's that?

Take full advantage of your right to u-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways. Don't worry about those signs. The signs are for people who don't know how to drive large, expensive vehicles (or vehicles that appear to be ready to collapse)

In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation. WRONG! Continue to drive as though it doesn't exist. In severe fog, speed up.

While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes. Reverse that. And, make sure you have your blinkers on.

When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club on your steering wheel. Do this while your door is hanging open - but only if you're parking more than 18" from the curb.

On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane What the hell. Make it a two lane road going YOUR direction. It's the only sensible thing to do. Surely, this is what the city planners intended anyway.

Thanks to Indigo for the e-mail and inspiration!

Posted by DaGoddess at June 29, 2003 05:19 PM