Da Goddess

What do you say to an angry witch?

Ribbit.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's green and red and goes a million miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

How do you fit 1,000 babies in a beetle?

La Machine

What's green and red and goes a million miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

How do you fit 1,000 babies in a beetle?

La Machine

What's green and rides off into the west?

The Lone Pickle.

here's a bunch more ...

http://www.mommymagic.com/smile/

It was the first hit for "kid friendly jokes"

How does a queen bee get around her hive?
She's throne!
What do you call a cow on the floor?
Ground Beef!
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!
What did the pacific ocean say to the atlantic ocean?
Nothing, he just waved!
What has a head at night and no head at day?
A pillow!
Why did the cat tickle the mouse before he ate him?
He wanted a happy meal!
Why did the thermometer go to college?
To get a degree!

Bwahahahahahahahahah! I love kids jokes!!!

Okay. The only two jokes I know that I can tell to someone under the age of 10, plus a third, bonus joke that my friend, Patti's daughter, Kris, made up. (She's 26 now with a child of her own....)

1. Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine (7, 8, 9, get it?)

2. How do you catch a unique rabbit? You neak up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

3. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was asleep. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was lonely. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. (I never did get this one. Perhaps Kris can explain....)

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.

Why was the broom late?
It over swept.

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, and I'll hang around.

What were Tarzan's last words?
Who greased the vine!

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
He wanted to hide in (a) the strawberry patch or (b) a bag of M&M's

Great question, Joanie! I love kid's jokes. You'll have to tell us which ones make him laugh most!

Told to me by an actual eight year old:

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt.

What's black and white and 'red' all over???

A newspaper.

Yeah, its not that great is it?

HAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!!! I LOVE that one about the zero and the eight :-)

What did the fish say when he hit his head?

Damn!

Ok, maybe that one when he's a little older. :-)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

[Repeat until joke target starts to become annoyed.]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

[Repeat until joke target starts to become annoyed.]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

1. What do you call a boomerang that won't
come back? A stick.

2. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

3. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

4. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him.

5. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Somebody stop me!!!

6. Why can't you pick your nose with these
two fingers? (Hold up any two of your fingers.)
Because they're MINE!!

1. What do you call a boomerang that won't
come back? A stick.

2. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

3. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

4. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him.

5. Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.

Somebody stop me!!!

6. Why can't you pick your nose with these
two fingers? (Hold up any two of your fingers.)
Because they're MINE!!

Only clicked once-I swear.

After we finish our Saturday board game-a-thon, I'll give some of my daughters favorites. She just got a new joke book today, so we're fresh with jokes, such as--

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the bottom of the chicken's shoe.

Okay, I just read some of these comments to her and she's rolling laughing. Especially over the 8 and 0. Monopoly Jr has been suspended until she dictates some offerings to DeSon of DaGoddess.

Why did the cow go to drama class?
Because she wanted to be a Moo-vie star.

What's long, sharp and only has one eye?
A needle

Why were ten toes nervous?
They were being followed by two heels!

What has a fork and a mouth, but never eats food?
A river

What is the tiniest room?
A mushroom

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood Lights

What happens if you sleep with a bar of soap under your pillow?
You slip right out of bed in the morning.

What do you call a bull taking a nap?
Bulldozer

What happens when you dial 116?
An upside ambulance comes to your house.

What do you call two bars of soap?
A pair of slippers

What did the peas patch say to the corn patch.
Stop stalking me

Where do hot dogs dance?
At meat-balls

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they stayed in the bathtub too long.

Anything with burps and farts is killer when ya are six. Nothing better.

What's big and red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Kleenex.
Kleenex who?
Kleenex are better than dirty necks!

A duck walks into a department store and buys a tube of chapstick. The clerk asks if it will be cash or charge and the duck says, "Quaack, just put it on my bill."

HAR!

Love that joke.
D.

A duck walks into a department store and buys a tube of chapstick. The clerk asks if it will be cash or charge and the duck says, "Quaack, just put it on my bill."

HAR!

Love that joke.
D.

You say, "I have a great Knock-Knock joke. You start it off."

The person then responds "Knock-Knock."

And you say "Who's there?"

The look of puzzlement is great.

What is an elephants favorite game?
Squash

How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic.

Why are elephants feet shaped that way?
So they can walk on lily pads.

What do you give a seasick elephant?
LOTS of room

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay they would be bagels (baygulls).

A duck walks into the grocery store and asks the manager, "Got any Gwapes?"
The manager checks produce and says, "No, we're out of grapes", and the duck walks off.
An hour later, the duck asks again, "Got any Gwapes?"
The manager exasperatedly says, "No... I told you, we're out of grapes!"
An hour later, the duck returns and asks, "Got any Gwapes?"
The manager, clearly annoyed, says, "No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck scurries away.
The next day, the manager sees the duck come in with it's head lowered. The Duck quietly asks, "Mister, do have any nails here?"
The manager checks his book and says, "We don't carry construction equipment of any type."
"Good", says the duck, "Got any Gwapes?"

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

Where do cows go to have fun?
The mooooovies.

My son loves these.

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A garbage truck.

My son one a contest with that one.

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

Two goats are out behind a movie studio eating old movie film.

One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?"

The second goat says, "Yeah, but it's not as good as the book."

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed.

"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late"

...at this moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.

She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... but DON'T SHOVE me anymore!"

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly.

A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck."

The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Holy Shit! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

OK, this is the last joke I swear. I know some may not be completely G-Rated, but I thought the cute factor was appropriate. Besides adults will laugh if he can pull off the delivery... LOL.

Last Joke
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one" gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

My nine-year old offers these, O Goddess:

Did you hear the one about oxygen?
It\x{2019}s a gas!

How does an elephant climb an oak tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits . . .

What does a salad do before it\x{2019}s served?
Get dressed.

Why was the tomato blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you get if you cross a clown and a billygoat?
A silly billy.

Where do planets go to school?
The UNIVERSE-ity.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?

To the Dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump...

What do you call a dinosaur that eats beans?
...
A thunder lizard.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him.

What is yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first koala.

How do you tell a christian fish?
It has a sticker of a car on its bum.