February 25, 2003
For The Older Set
Most of you youngsters will have NO IDEA who most of these people are. Shame on you! But, the rest of us who remember TV back when it was something special will recognize the names.....
Hollywood Squares
From the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not
scripted like they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking these questions...
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes!
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knots: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No! Wait until morning.
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q: What are "Do It," "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
A: Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
Q: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
A: Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!
Q: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
A: George Gobel: Cattle crossing!
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
A: Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
Q: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
A: Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
A: George Goebel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Q: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
A: Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Q: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
A: Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...
Q: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
A: Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies!
More Hollywood Squares Q&As can be found here, along with quick bios and picks of the stars!
Posted by DaGoddess at February 25, 2003 07:33 AMPaul Lynde always cracked me up....
Posted by: Colin at February 25, 2003 07:45 AMYou're right, I don't know most of them, but the answers are priceless, nonetheless.
Posted by: Jason Stare at February 25, 2003 07:58 AMbaha man i was too young to get half those jokes.
But the liar's club always made me peeeeel.
Posted by: pril at February 25, 2003 08:06 AMLMAO these are priceless!
Posted by: Tam at February 25, 2003 08:48 AMYou forgot to put in Paul Lynde's flamboyant way of speaking, and George Goebel's drunken slur.
I remember watching Batman's Adam West on Hollywood Squares and being VERY confused; As a youth I assumed that Peter Marshall and Adam West were one and the same.
I'm off to take my Geritol now...
Posted by: Thomas at February 25, 2003 08:55 AMI loved the old Hollywood Squares but I am
a closet Match Game fan. I just love when
Richard Dawson was on the show!
Oh, I am SO laughing right now. Can't wait to read more at the link. I remember that show because my mom watched it a lot; the humor was beyond me at the time, but now...Oh, my. The Match Game's great, too, yes!
Posted by: Gardenwife at February 25, 2003 09:29 AMI spent many a morning watching Hollywood Squares when I was a kid. A lot of that went right over my head, but I got a lot of it and it was damn funny. Seems like the Lyndes and the Weavers and the Joey Bishops, even though they were only TV character actors and nightclub performers, had more charisma than any five of today's pseudo-celebrities than you can name...which is why subsequent revival attempts have failed to catch on. Whoopi Goldberg? In Paul Lynde's square? Please.
I still try to catch Hollywood Squares reruns, when I can, on Game Show Network, God bless 'em.
I love Match Game, too. Never missed it when I came home from school as a teenager in the 70s. The Gong Show came on afterwards, and those shows along with Three Stooges reruns that were on another channel pretty much warped me for life.
Posted by: Johnny Bacardi at February 25, 2003 10:11 AMMost of the names escape me but those responses are classic! Thanks for the laugh! :D
Posted by: Marc at February 25, 2003 10:57 AMOh, man. I loved these. Paul Lynde- he was always my favorite on Hollywood Squares.
The Match game was always fun to watch, too.
Joanie, the funniest thing Paul Lynde ever said, IMHO:
Peter Marshall: There is a new rule in Basketball. Some baskets count for 3 points. When?
Paul Lynde: When a white guy makes a basket!
Said with a smirk of course!
He was my fave. My mom saw his "Biography" on A & E and I guess he really was pigeon-holed and couldn't get work. He was an alcoholic. So sad! But he always made me laugh. I love all the old shows...Match Game, Celebrity Sweepstakes (who remembers that? Jan Murray was on all the time), and of course, Liars' Club and Tattletales.
Charles Nelson Reilly and his wife were on Tattletales onc and the question was about how long does it take your husband to grow a decent-looking beard. Charles' wife said he never grows a beard. He came on and said he had a beard, once. Oh, Yeah? His wife said; What was her name?
I didn't get it then, but oh boy is it funny now! Thanks for the memories, babe!
Don Knots' reply was the best of 'em all.
Posted by: Cody at February 25, 2003 01:33 PMOne of my favorite replies was given by Susan Seaforth Hayes, "Julie" on Days of Our Lives. The question was what part of the body is the first to react to sexual attraction? Her deadpan answer was "The balls...........of the eyes."
It was more than a few minutes before order was restored.
Paul Lynde had such a distinctive way of speaking. He was the best. What a great post! Thanks for the laughs. I think this is one of the first times I've been 'the older set' - not too sure I like the feeling.
Posted by: Aaron at February 25, 2003 03:28 PMWaitaminnit...Charles Nelson Reilly had a wife?
Geddaddahere!
Posted by: Johnny Bacardi at February 25, 2003 03:48 PMGirl, I loved these. Thanks for the memories.
Paul Lynde was my favorite too.
Posted by: Rita at February 25, 2003 04:09 PMOMG gurl..tears are rollin down my cheeks! My mom used to go to church to hear George sing (boy soprano). I remember he used to say when his voice changed, it went up an octave. He had a tv variety show waaay back. Rose Marie was a child star, too, known as Baby Rose Marie. I have an oooold record of hers around here somewhere. Nobody will ever center the way Paul Lynde did. How badly does this stuff date me? Thanks for the memories.
Posted by: Larry at February 25, 2003 04:41 PMI do remember Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde. hee vaguely. Redd Foxx "Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya"
Posted by: Melissa at February 25, 2003 04:53 PMThanks for making me laugh. I could envision each person giving their answers (that means I'm way too old). Off to read some more at the link . . .
Posted by: bogie at February 26, 2003 08:43 AMI used to watch it when I was little.... like the others here, I didn't get most of the jokes then.... but when I see the reruns now I can't stop laughing. Unfortunately, I don't have gameshow network (or any other cable channel, for that matter....) so it's not nearly as often as it should be..... that show was better than about 96% of what's on TV today. I mean, c'mon, Friends? they can't hold a candle to that show.
BTW: I do actually like the newer version with Whoopi.... it's not AS good, but it's usually still pretty funny. I think a lot of it is context. Back then, it wasn't nearly as accepted (or like today, required) to be risque, but they pulled it off very nicely.
Posted by: Jim S at February 26, 2003 09:52 AMGreat stuff Joanie!! I'm gonna go watch my Johnny Carson videos.
Posted by: RightWingTexan at February 27, 2003 09:08 AMHehehe. Yes, it's delayed (thank *** Dave for that), but this brings back a lot of memories.
I feel old, Joanie.Thanks. :)
Posted by: Scott at April 5, 2003 07:49 AM