July 21, 2002
Nipple Blog
My nipples aren't on the same horizontal plane.
Now, most people wouldn't notice this nor would they care. Even if they did they probably wouldn't write about it. Not me. I noticed and I'm posting!
I noticed that my nipples were out of alignment when I walked into the bathroom, flipped on the light and saw myself in the mirror. I've noticed it before but it held me riveted tonight for some reason. My shirt and bra allowed for this assessment in a way that I hadn't readily anticipated. Light blue shirt, lacy bra, hugged the upper body just the right way. And, I was a little chilled. Oh hell. I was poppin' a boober, okay? (Poppin' a Boober is the female equivalent of the pubescent boy's erection.....it happens whether you want it to or not.) Yep. The headlights were on.
And, as I stood there I saw that the left side was lower than the right. It wasn't merely something that required a boob-in-bra adjustment. I tried that and it didn't stay. So, I did my girly bra-off move and stood there looking at my naked breasts and decided that, indeed, my nipples just don't fall in a symmetrical fashion. Both my boobs seem to sag to the same level. Not the nips though. They aren't wildly off. Not like one is in North Dakota and the other somewhere around Kansas. Just off a fraction too much to be a comfortable quirk.
I don't know what to do about this. I don't know why it suddenly concerned me. Like I said, I've observed this before. It just didn't strike me as anything to ponder or worry about. But it does now. I feel very self-conscious about my breasts at the moment. I'm sitting here alone. Worried about my nipples. How sad is that?
I started to imagine myself going to the store, walking through the frozen food section, poppin' a boober, and feeling all eyes upon my unlevel nubbins. Should I readjust? Ignore? Pride dictates that I at least attempt a brastrap adjustment as a means to hopefully bring about a level playing field. Homeostasis. But, wouldn't that be acknowledging to the store that I KNOW my breasts are less than perfect? (Pretend they are!) Or would my nipple oglers think that it was a flaw in the bra that caused that temporary bust unsightliness? If I ignore, my erect and obvious misalignment could cause more stares. Conceivably, I could be at fault for nasty shopping cart accidents as my fellow shoppers stare at the unnatural state of my breastesses. I don't have insurance for that!
This leads to more worry. Imagine the courtroom scene as a man (who was trapped under the 400lb display of canned yellow waxed beans that collapsed after ramming his shopping cart into them) describes the terror of becoming distracted by my unsightly bosom. And, the judge, being of reasonably sound mind, would wonder how such a thing could possibly create that much havoc. He'd summon Rusty the Bailiff to bring in a walk-in fridge, order me in, and then, when my nipples were at the peak of hardness request us to reenact the debacle.The plaintiff, distracted by the nipples that naggingly nixed his normal shopping habits, would jump up and shout, "Look! Aren't they frightening? Ohhhhhhhh, my eyes! Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhh! Make her warm up, please!" And he'd collapse in sobs as his broken leg and arm twitch in painful spasms from the sudden movement. The judge would have no choice but to award damages to the injured. I'd have no way to pay up.
Should I be forced to wear a heavily padded bra? With my breasts....that's really not a very good idea. They're big enough already. A padded minimizer bra? Nooooo! That's cruel and unusual punishment. Those things hurt. They scrunch the boobs to no end. And, they invariably give you the double cleavage that's even more unsightly than the misaligned milk pumps. You know what I mean. The way that the cup of the bra cuts into the upper portion of the breast that isn't completely encased in lycra and lace. I can't afford to send someone out to shop for me either. That's out of the question. I mean, I live alone at the moment. Even when my kids are here they're too young to go to the store alone. And, I refuse to have nipple realigning surgery! UGH! That's just gross.
Why is this bothering me right now? WHY? What should I do? I don't have any answers to those questions and I'm too flummoxed to think. I guess I'll just go try putting my boobs in different bras and see if I can't come up with an idea. If all else fails...............duct tape. Seems to work for everything else in the Universe. Wait....upon reflection, even that is too harsh a penalty. Oh man. I'm destined for therapy. Dr. Phil? Are you available?
Posted by DaGoddess at July 21, 2002 02:35 AMHello great post but wheres the picture to prove it? Feel free to have me verify the valididty of your post.
Posted by: E-Nuf at January 16, 2003 10:41 PMShhhhhh.....Me, too. It's been a thorn in my side for years.
Posted by: Gardenwife at January 19, 2003 11:32 AMHmm, you're concerned about mal-aligned nipples... I guess as a guy who prefers breasts to butts, i'd say skip the bra altogether, let your uniqueness show, and don't be concerned. To us guys, its really not a big deal at all. If you were missing one nipple altogether, we might have a reason to pause, but simply located askew from each other is no biggie. I've noticed the same situation in some of the on-line *ahem* photos i've seen, and it really is just not something i've given any thought to... And, having your headlights on, whether in the frozen food section or the paint section at Home Depot is just a bonus view for any guy! Too bad women (in general) are hung up on wearing a bra. Most guys prefer women without.
Posted by: yeppers at March 12, 2003 09:55 AMOk, so here's the skinny. I'm being 100% honest here, no smoke blowing... I was browsing around your site after my previous post (before the reply to me) and found the referred to photos. Now, not having known the owner of said boobs, I was quite pleasantly surprised to see the photo (I was traqing down the irack for iraq page). I did not notice any mis alignment, top to bottom nipple off kiltered-ess, etc. I did notice that the areolas are (as often seems to be the case with women) not round. Later in the evening, I was able to view the link you sent, knowing what I was looking for. I was surprised to see the same photo. Soooo.. when I wasn't looking for askew nipples, I didn't even notice them.
Now, as with all people it's their uniqueness that makes them an individual, not their same-ness. So, after having experienced the thrill of seeing another wonderful pair of breasts, I will still have to stand by my earlier post, and say that they're fantastic as they are, don't consider any re-alignments, adjustments, tweaks or otherwise...
BTW, red bra is very nice! Of course, for me, just about anything other than standard issue white is great to look at. Blue being a particular favorite. But, never feel obligated to wear a bra in public for the guys. I think most women doing it for the women... Why?
-yeppers
Posted by: yeppers at March 13, 2003 07:53 AMI think an adequate solution to this problem is to wear heels that are of differing lengths.
Or perhaps, just go topless. I'd never notice that's for shitsure.
Posted by: Anton at August 15, 2003 05:13 PMAs far as the male population in general, I don't think any would care if you were a little "off level" (except maybe Tim Allen). I believe most would just be appreciative, high beam or low beam.
AS far as this bothering you, that's between you and "them". Not much can be done about that.
However, I think you're wrong about the outcome of the court case. The male jurors would say "quit your griping" and the female jurors would be sympathetic in your favor.
Innocent! (sound of gavel) Court dismissed.
I have to be the 'other token female' on this entry's comments.
I think everyone has 2 mismatched boobs. My left one has always been a little bigger than the right...but no one ever notices....just me.
What a pain when a bra does not fit you right. The right side of the bra always has just a tad too much fabric. If I get a smaller size, than the left one gets 'squeezed.'
Here is what I say about your breast/nipple dilemma...
I say life is too short too worry about the small stuff! Relax and enjoy your breast, let others enjoy your breast, before your breast are so low that you have to move them to scratch your knee.
Now this is coming from a bi woman that can appreciate the form of a women bodies. I have seen women that have a breast that is 2 cup sizes smaller than the other and inverted nipples. I say if them work (sexually or breastfeeding) then there is no reason to worry.
It's completely up to you. Most men, as you've read, don't really give much of a thought to it. But if it really, really bugs you, then cosmetic surgery is available for realignment. Your divine choice...
Posted by: Hatcher at August 17, 2003 06:29 AMIf your worryed about yours, damn, mine are really bad. Mine are crooked too, and I'm a guy. Its really embrarassing. I can't even go swimming. One is buffer and stronger than the other too because i work out alot. I work both sides evenly but it doesn't help. I dunno, it sucks alot, and i can't wear a bra to make it look even.
Posted by: Thomas at March 4, 2004 10:43 PMIf your worryed about yours, damn, mine are really bad. Mine are crooked too, and I'm a guy. Its really embrarassing. I can't even go swimming. One is buffer and stronger than the other too because i work out alot. I work both sides evenly but it doesn't help. I dunno, it sucks alot, and i can't wear a bra to make it look even.
Posted by: Thomas at March 4, 2004 10:43 PM