2019/10/22

Eye Roll Bladder Control

Da Goddess @ 01:31

Because my back injury sometimes wreaks havoc on the nerves that control my bladder, I occasionally find myself suddenly needing to pee. It’s not an everyday occurrence, except when it is. I’ll be sitting quietly, reading, watching TV, working on some art project, and I have the unpleasant sensation of desperately needing the loo. As you might imagine, this urgent need is in direct opposition with what my legs are sometimes capable of, thanks to the injury to my lumbar-sacral region. It all becomes an exercise in will power and sheer determination to not pee everywhere.

While this isn’t 100% effective, I’ve discovered a method of bladder control that has proven fairly reliable: the Eye Roll Bladder Control.

It’s rather tricky and sometimes even painful, but I’ve yet to leave a trail of urine from wherever I am through to the loo.

You roll your eyes up and back as hard as you can while navigating your shuffle to the toilet. You should be focusing all your attention on pulling your eyes into your head and imagining that action pulling the urinary meatus* tightly closed. Again, the entire time you’re doing this, you’re walking or scuttling to the lav. Once there, you need to summon the assistance of demons you’ve kept well fed to help you get your underwear down and (I can’t stress this part enough — I’ve forgotten this step and cleaning the bathroom in the middle of the night while in severe pain is plain awful) the toilet lid up while also continuing the eye roll and attempting to sit before all hell breaks loose. This is why you always feed your helper demons exceedingly well. They use their magic to keep you pissing IN the pot instead of ON it and the floor.

I’ve had a few occasions when I was afraid my eyes would never reappear, but they’ve always managed to come back. Thank God!

It’s moments like this that has me glad to be living alone (with Fletch and the demons, that is). Yes, I’d like to have someone who could help me with cleaning up the bathroom if, heaven forbid, I owe a little (or a lot) on the floor or dribble down the side or what have you. Mostly, I’m glad no one’s here to witness the indignities of a worsening back injury. There’s just no romance in that scenario! Absolutely none. And there are worse situations, by far!

There you have it: my method of getting to the bathroom without flooding the whole place as I do so.

What glamorous indignity do you have and how do you try to get the better of it?

* Meatus (Me-ATE-us, rhymes with he-HATE-us) = a fancy medical term for the opening of the ureter (or any other opening related to body parts).

4 Comments

  1. Wow, that’s alarming but also so cool that you’ve got a magic trick to help!

    I’ve just the ordinary indignities that most cope with; pap smears, colonoscopies and trying to keep the better half from seeing us whilst we have a poo.

    Comment by pam — 2019/10/22 @ 12:12

  2. Ha! It’s like getting older isn’t bad enough, right? Men have no idea how much worse it is for women.

    Thank God for no more pap smears, menopausal symptoms, or ugh…periods for me. I hope you get through the smears with more dignity than they normally allow.

    Comment by Da Goddess — 2019/10/22 @ 14:47

  3. Well, fortunately for me my OBGYN is super fast and loves the sound of her own voice. I just lay there for a few moments and think of England. ;)

    In my future: bone marrow biopsy! Yeehaw! Another brick in the wall between youth and old age.

    Comment by pam — 2019/10/25 @ 04:53

  4. Why on earth are you having a bone marrow biopsy done?

    Comment by Da Goddess — 2019/11/01 @ 13:08

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