2017/10/01

Three Wheels and Sparks

Da Goddess @ 04:02

Ever have one of those dreams where everything is off…by just a little bit? On the surface, everything seems normal, but there’s something not quite right? Well, I’ve been having dreams like that for the last month or so.

I know that it all comes down to not having the meds I need in the right doses, but it freaks me the fuck out.

Trying to keep everything in some sort of balance is difficult on a daily basis for most people. With chronic pain, it becomes a battle no one wants to fight, but one you must fight nevertheless. It’s your way of life. It’s all you know.

I was barely hanging on with all my meds. Now, I spend even more of my energy on just trying to get through the day with the least amount of pain. It messes up my life and comes through in my dreams. Which, of course, means I can’t even escape for the few hours I fall asleep.

Because I’m not taking my Ambien regularly, I’ve found I sleep longer when I do take it. Again, it doesn’t mean that sleep is more restful or restorative, but at least I’m asleep.

Still, when I awaken, I’m left feeling off-kilter.

It’s a bit like driving around on a flat tire — your spare, because you’ve already had a flat and the closest gas station is 100 miles away. At least, that’s what you think, only to discover that station closed and the next one isn’t even on any map. So you drive on because you’re in the middle of the desert and it’s too hot to wait for another car to come along and you have no cell service. Yeah, that’s a fairly apt analogy. You know you’re damaging the car, but you have no other choice. It’s push on or perish.

My doc, oh my wonderful doc, he’s doing his best to find a way to get me my meds, to push through my spinal cord stimulator, to get me back to feeling somewhat human. I’m so grateful. And I’m grateful for King Arthur for not killing me in my sleep for making his life crazy. Trust me, this is what I’d likely want to do if I were in his shoes. But, he doesn’t, or hasn’t been successful in his attempts. So, yeah, I’m grateful.

Here’s to another day of driving on a flat tire, throwing sparks into the brittle heat of the desert.

2 Comments

  1. Keep driving!!

    Comment by pam — 2017/10/01 @ 06:24

  2. I’m driving! Just worried about running out of gas at this point.

    Comment by Da Goddess — 2017/10/01 @ 11:13

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