Da Goddess

I have just rejoined the world of people who wear shorts. It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve put a pair of shorts on (which happened when I had my last surgery). And while I’ve had my share of time in the sun, it’s been a few years. As a result, my legs are very pale; bordering on translucent. Wearing shorts when you’re that pale? Uh, no. But you have to start somewhere, right?

Since King Arthur and I have been together, we’ve done a couple Ren Faires and have basically been outdoors a good amount. This means I’ve had sun exposure. Which translates into tan. But only on my upper body. We won’t discuss the very odd tan lines I have on my chest from being in a bodice at Faire. No. We won’t discuss that. Okay, we will. Let’s just say that the girls have been pushed up and smooshed up and the tan extends dangerously close to the nippular region. And then nothing. Translucence yet again. Of course, my arms and face are also tanned, but there’s a huge void of color from mid-chest on down.

And I’m wearing shorts.

We’ll let that sink in for a moment.

If I put my hand on my leg, one would think it belongs on a completely different body; such is the drastic contrast of skin color. So, while my upper half is a healthy caramel hue, my searingly white lower half is almost ethereal and ghostly.

King Arthur insisted I get shorts. I balked. I stalled. I attempted to distract him. I begged him not to torture me so. Then I got an ad from Lane Bryant via email. They had shorts on sale. I mentioned it to him, hoping he’d forget about it or say we’d go look for shorts at the thrift store and THEN forget about it. But, nooooooooo.

Friday morning, we got up early and he said we needed to get all our grocery shopping done before it got too warm out. Did I want to go along? Sure. I like to pick out fruit and veggies. I like to have a say in menu planning. Then we ended up at the mall. Not only did I end up with shorts (4 pairs), but also several shirts, a couple new bras, and underwear that doesn’t look as though it’s been through a shredder. Yes, I’ve been wearing holey (as opposed to holy) underwear. And my bras are all so old the underwire is snapping. As well, King Arthur’s reasoning for the new clothes is “well, you needed clothes that aren’t covered in paint and falling apart. You deserve clothes that don’t look like you’re an unemployed house painter.”

The man is a saint.

So, part of my birthday gift was new clothing. Including shorts. A pair of which are neon green.

Again, I will allow you a moment to contemplate.

Neon green shorts on ultra pale legs.

And I love them.

I still can’t believe I am wearing shorts again. After all these years, I actually have on shorts. I’m wearing clothing that isn’t falling apart. I’m blinding all who dare look in my direction. And I’m embracing the experience.

Just to be certain you get the picture:

Rather scary, eh?