Ennui, depression, overwhelming information, apathy…I’m not sure what this is, but I think, no, I’m pretty sure it’s a sign of something larger. Actually, ever since my injection series last week, I’ve been on this absurd roller coaster of pain and exhaustion and inability to focus to the point where much of my days and nights are spent staring blankly at the computer monitor. I have writing I’m working on. Transcribing a couple of interviews but unable to maintain any semblance of coherence, it’s frustrating. I have stuff to finish! I have lots of things to get done. But none of that’s happening.
The pain…it’s at the point where even the thought of something touching my skin makes me cry. The exhaustion just means I’ve not been able to get adequate sleep since my nice marathon last week. Yes, I’m taking my Ambien and Vicodin. It’s just not helping. I thought maybe I needed to break patterns. Last night, I stayed awake as long as I could and then drifted off naturally. Lasted all of 45 minutes. I finally broke down and took my meds and eventually slept, but it was that sleep-wake-sleep-wake-sleep-wake sort of thing where you wake up more tired than you were to start.
Needless to say, I’m cranky and I’m having a hard time mustering up the ability to even talk or text anyone. Lord, you know it’s bad when I look at my phone and curse it for requiring too much effort to push a couple buttons and stay in contact with the world.
That’s how the passworded post below starts out and the rest, well, it’s rather specific in terms of some concerning concerns (yes, I actually wrote it that way). Most of you know where to find the password. If not, if you know me and you know my regular (unpublished) email, hit me up and I’ll send it to you.
I’m going to try to sleep now and see if the universe is being kind to me again. Wish me luck.