There are things that you never want to miss out on, and other things that you just don’t care about. That’s a part of life, isn’t it?
Since the moment my site went into the transfer-transition mode, I realized how much I missed writing and posting photos, how much I relied on my blogroll as links to my friends, and how much I was missing out on. At the same time, my back injury prevented me from spending much time on the computer and I just sort of pushed all that to the back of my mind. There’s not much you can do about certain things in life. You worry about the most pressing and move on.
It’s been over a month now since that happened and other things have definitely taken over in my world. Some of you care, some of you don’t. And, that’s okay. Some of you come here to check on me and/or Little Dude, some of you only want the latest Protest Warrior activities. Whatever your reasons for stopping in, you’ve most certainly not been entertained by much lately. For that, I apologize.
Truth be told, I’ve become more comfortable with the off and on, occasional update to the website thing than I had thought. Getting things back to the way they once were seems like such a low priority when there are bigger things in life that I must handle. Still, there’s a bit of guilt when I get kind emails from friends wondering what’s going on. Don’t get me wrong, I love that connection we have. It means the world to me! But, I’m often left wondering how to manage everything and still take care of myself as I know is necessary.
Healthwise, I have some major hurdles. I begin the first of several injections this week. The doctors are hoping that the injections will reduce the inflammation around the spinal cord and the nerves that lead elsewhere. With less inflammation, perhaps I’ll feel better. No matter what, I’m still looking at the possibility of surgery.
I’ve never been one to get too frightened over the prospect of an operation, but then again, I’ve never had anyone saying they wanted to go into my back and fiddle with my spine. My sister’s had it done – more than once. I’ve cared for patients who’ve undergone these procedures many times. Still, this time it’s my back and my pain and I have to come to some sort of peace with this. Living with uncontrolled pain is more than I can take most of the time and I’m coming around – sort of. My resolve waxes and wanes depending on the pain level and the effectiveness of the meds. You know how it goes. There’s a saying that nurses and doctors are always the worst patients. It’s true. As much as I try to be a patient patient, I fail miserably. I hate the unknown as it relates to me. I hate that I don’t have more control over some of these things.
The lack of control seeps into other areas of my life as well.
Little Dude and my daughter have both been shorted on their time with me. Outings have been rather…..brief. Grumpy Mommy has made an appearance or two. You name it. It’s disappointing that I struggle at doing the simplest of things with them. They’ve been wonderful though. God bless them for being so sweet and caring.
Perhaps the worst part of all of this down time is the fact that I’m suddenly unable to help those who need me most.
My father is having surgery next week. Instead of coming right home, he’ll be heading to a rehab facility – think skilled nursing facility and the type of patients you normally encounter there and you have mounting guilt. Sure, I can go visit and encourage him, but I can’t take care of him the way I’d like to.
But let’s not stop there. Today….today. Right about the time I was reaching for the phone to call Mrs. Smash and ask for her help on Thursday, the phone rang. It was Smash. Mrs. Smash was in the hospital. My hospital.
My friend, one of the dearest people in the world, was lying on a backboard in the emergency department. And I wasn’t there. Even worse, I won’t be there in an official capacity to help her through this. Once again, I found myself wishing I could be anywhere but here. I asked Smash if I should head down. He said no, that she was off to imaging for further testing. I thought about what she was experiencing. I know, intimately, how it feels to be the patient waiting for answers. How it feels to be lying there, in pain, trying to be stoic, waiting for relief, hoping that someone will say it’ll all be fine and things will be back to normal after a short nap. All I wanted was to go and wave a magic wand, making things instantly better. But, that hasn’t been one of my talents, now or ever, and I knew that I had to wait to hear more, just like everyone else.
Mrs. Smash is doing better now. I know she’s in good, more-than-capable, experienced hands. I know she has some of the best doctors and nurses looking after her. I’m still not there to help, but I know that those who are charged with her care will do everything possible to keep her warm, safe, and as comfortable as possible under the circumstances. Maybe things will look better in the morning and the doctors will allow her to return home. That remains to be seen. Should she be up for company tomorrow, I will do whatever it takes to get there and bring her a smile or two. In the meantime, please….say a prayer for her to make a speedy recovery. That’s what I’m doing.
I can’t do all the things I want to do these days. Blogging has always taken a backseat to life, but now…..now, more than ever before, I know this. If my posts are infrequent, I apologize. But, I want to feel better so that I don’t have to stand on the sidelines when the people I care about need me. I want to be there for them. In order to do that, I have to let some things simmer, other things grow cold, and allow still more fade into the background – all in the name of getting stronger and getting back to work.
In the big scheme of things, as much as I miss blogging and the wonderful friends I’ve made online, life has reared its head and demanded my attention. I’m not giving this up…no. I’m simply hoping that you’ll understand where my priorities are and why I’m not updating my site or visiting your site and leaving comments like I have in the past .
I’ll ask you again to say a prayer for my friend, Mrs. Smash. If you’d like to leave comments for her, please do so. If you would like to pass along words of encouragement for Smash, I think he’d like that. You can stop over and check his site for updates.
Me? If you want to get in touch with me (I’d love that and I want to know what’s happening with you!), it’s best to email me at dagoddess – at symbol – “gmail.com” (seems that all my other email is AWOL and I don’t have the time nor the patience to figure out why.)
Thanks for your prayers – for me and for the Smashes. Every kind thought is always appreciated.