2018/08/12

The Cat

Da Goddess @ 06:37

Fletch has been a lovely boy lately, allowing me to sleep a bit longer and cuddling up next to me. It’s so sweet and comforting to have him near. He’s my reason for getting up each morning and it’s good to have something to do each day so I don’t curl up and hide away from the world. Because, honestly, I would very much like to hide from everyone and everything when I’m hurting, which is a constant state of being these days.

Fletch is my greatest source of comfort. He’s always here to make me smile, to calm my nerves, to keep my mind working as I look for ways to challenge him (I don’t just hand him treats, I make him earn them).

sweet Fletch

I don’t know what I’d do without this goofy little guy. I adore everything about this nut.

2018/08/04

Yes!

Da Goddess @ 22:49

Talked with my big sister on the phone today. First time since her stroke. Her progress is remarkable! C’s speech is still slow, but it’s clear and that’s an amazing accomplishment. So many stroke patients don’t get back to even 50%.

Thank you for all your prayers! C still has a ways to go before she’s where she wants to be, but for me, this is a miracle and I will never not be grateful for her surviving this and for your support.

2018/08/02

Threefer Thursday: ELO

Da Goddess @ 00:01

ELO will always be a special band for me. When I was in 5th grade, my friend’s mom was dying and I got “Out of the Blue” for Christmas. She and I listened to the album over and over again that day as our parents talked grown-up talk. We continued to listen to it over the coming months as her mom’s condition deteriorated. We had all the lyrics memorized, knew every lick, knew the album forward and backward. We could name any tune in one note (a nod to her dad, who’d appeared on Name That Tune). It was our refuge during the darkest days. We listened to other albums, other artists, but when we were together it had to be ELO and “Out of the Blue”.

Don’t get me wrong! Just about any ELO album will make me happy. It’s just that I have a place in my heart for one in particular.

The first video is from “On the Third Day” and is probably the best rocker from any of their albums. I love it for that reason and I don’t think I need another, do you?

The second video is for a song I once knew so well I had every note, nuanced phrasing, and timing down pat. Also not from “Out of the Blue”, but still so worthy of being sung loud enough for all to hear.

This last one is a favored song for a couple reasons, one of which is because Zach Galifianakis used it for a bit on the penultimate episode of his late night show. And, if not for Zach, I’d never have started blogging.

2018/07/31

New Favorite Quote

Da Goddess @ 05:29

From the movie, Milton’s Secret:

If you fill your glass with hate and fear, pour in your worries about the past and future, you’re probably going to be miserable. If you fill your beaker with love and caring, miracles can happen, wars can end, people can be different. That’s the secret. We all can change. You just have to take meanness and turn it into gold. With that, the war is over.

2018/07/29

Down the Toilet

Da Goddess @ 08:44

If you’ve read the Secret Squirrel post ( because you know where the password can be found [it hasn't changed location or the actual word]), then you’ll need to cleanse your palate. I might have just the thing for you.

Why is it that I can sometimes use almost an entire roll of toilet paper in one sitting and have no problem with the flush, but other times I barely use any and the toilet requires double plunging?

I’m sure it has more to do with the crappy (pun intended) plumbing than it does my bathroom needs/habits. But, y’know I had to put the question out there.

Protected: Super Extra – Secret Squirrel

Da Goddess @ 08:35

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

2018/07/23

Upper Limits

Da Goddess @ 21:59

I’ve reached maximum capacity emotionally.

My older sister, C, had a stroke. Thank God, she’s already home and improving!

I’m about a month away from being homeless. Fingers crossed for a miracle.

The entire ending of a relationship over the course of…however long this has been…has reached peak impact. Especially with circumstances being what they’ve been. (Long story.)

Health 4/10. One life left.

Patience 3/10. See above.

It’s fucking enough already.

2018/07/17

Finding Room

Da Goddess @ 17:41

I keep trying to find room for my grief and everything else in my life. It’s almost as if I have to choose between them.

Of course, my pain issues are also trying to hog the spotlight and I’m exhausted from all the juggling.

Weariness doesn’t even come close to what I feel. Emotionally and physically, I’m depleted. I have no spoons* for anything beyond getting up to go to the bathroom, making toast, and feeding the cat. Showering is necessary, but it’s at a respectable 4th or 5th on my list. I just don’t have any gas left in the tank.

I wonder when and/or how any of this is going to change.

* Spoon theory states that you have a spoon (representing energy) for every task you perform throughout the day. However, you only have a certain number of spoons available per 24 hour period. For people with chronic illnesses, pain, or disabilities you often have to use more spoons to accomplish a simple task. Sometimes you borrow from tomorrow, but you never know what the consequences of doing that will be. For instance, Dad’s memorial took almost all my spoons for that day and some from the day after. The next day, I was stuck in bed, unable to move without great effort and pain. Too much standing and moving around. Try assigning 15 spoons to all your most important activities in a single day. Anything requiring more effort gets more than one spoon.

…..

…..

…..

How’d that work for you? Now add in grief and anxiety. It’s taxing, to say the least.

2018/07/14

My New Motto

Da Goddess @ 23:04

From Paula Pell:

I’m gonna hang on to hope like a cat on a fucking lace curtain. Wild eyed, fully aware that it will eventually be okay.

That about sums up everything.

Overwhelmed

Da Goddess @ 09:40

I’ve spent much of the past couple weeks overwhelmed by emotions. Just about anything and everything reminds me of Dad. Sometimes the memories bring smiles; mostly, though, I’ve been drowning in my tears.

One of the most overwhelming thoughts running through my brain is the last truly lucid conversation I had with Dad. I cringe when I think of it. I know it caused him distress to think of me unhappy and in a precarious situation. I regret that so much. I want to go back and just talk about everything except my troubles. I want to go back and just ask him to tell me stories about his life.

The thing is, I can’t go back. Nor can I change the conversation we had. I also know I can’t live with regret over something that cannot be changed. So, for now, I let the tears fall and focus on his final night, our conversations throughout the night, and the fact I was able to be there with him. It brings some comfort, but it’s also a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

I know grief is a process and can’t be rushed. I know this will take as long as it takes. I’m just going to keep working through the emotional jungle of life and hope I get it right at some point.

Getting older and adulting ain’t for sissies.

2018/07/06

Sucker Punch to the Gut

Da Goddess @ 20:22

It was already over 100° in the shade before 11am. The forecast called for 110° at some point. My first thought was to call Dad and harangue him into going somewhere with adequate air conditioning. I had the phone in my hand, pulling up my directory before it hits me: he’s gone.

I sobbed.

Twice more throughout the morning, I reached for the phone to call. Both times I practically doubled over as if punched. It physically hurts to remember he’s gone.

Even as I type this, it hurts. Tears rolling down my face, I’m gutted.

I keep waiting for everything to stop hurting when I think of Dad. I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon.

I miss you, Daddy.

P.S. it was 112°+ on the porch, in the shade at 1900. If I’d wanted temps like this, I’d’ve stayed in Vegas.

2018/07/04

The Spirit of America on Independence Day

Da Goddess @ 00:01

Flag Day 2009

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

~ The Declaration of Independence July 4, 1776

Be safe, have fun, and remember that Freedom is tentative and we must be vigilant, that we must defend it. We cannot take it for granted. Nor can we take for granted those who protect our freedoms.

God bless our troops! God bless America!

And, God, please don’t let these fools playing with fireworks set the whole of Southern California ablaze. Thanks!

2018/06/26

I’ll Whisper Softly

Da Goddess @ 00:01

Twelve years ago he left us.

I miss him still.

I keep thinking of all the people I’ve met who would have loved him. They might not have agreed with everything he said, but they would have enjoyed the way he said it.

I miss you, Rob. I hope your spirit is at peace these days.

2018/06/25

Much Better

Da Goddess @ 02:55

Fletch kitty is so much better today!

I have no idea what made him sick in the first place, but I’m super grateful he’s better now.

He’s back to begging for treats, playing, and head butting me for scritches. He’s kneading blankets, purring, and seeking buddy time (his version of the “almost” cuddle). Currently, he’s lying atop the couch behind me.

My favorite part of Fletch feeling better is watching him sun himself in the window. You know your cat isn’t feeling well when he won’t sun himself.

I’m breathing easier, grateful that whatever was wrong is now right again. I cannot deal with more loss at this point. Y’all hear me?! God have mercy on me.

2018/06/23

Better

Da Goddess @ 21:43

Fletch is doing so much better today. He’s a little more playful, eating like it’s his job, and he’s back to patrolling the perimeter windows, keeping us safe from the neighborhood strays.

I’ll continue to be on alert, though, until he’s begging to be fed every few hours.

My sweet fuzzy baby…he means the world to me. I can’t help but worry.

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