2017/11/23

Happy Thanksgiving One and All

Da Goddess @ 18:01

Monica with the turkey

2017/11/22

Ya Like Apples?

Da Goddess @ 01:20

Lamaur’s Apple Pectin shampoo used to be one of my favorite shampoos back in the day.

I was recently reminded of it when King Arthur bought a green apple scented hand soap at the 99¢ store. (Seriously, if you’re buying hand soap anywhere else, you’re wasting money!)

Then scent of the soap instantly had me swept away to the 80s. Maybe even the late 70s. It was a long time ago, so don’t ask me to be specific or accurate.

I can easily recall popping open the bottle for the first time. That smell! It was heavenly. It was springtime! It was autumn! It was everything! It filled my head with visions running through an orchard, holding hands with the boy of my dreams. I was wearing a flowing dress, long hair streaming behind me, the golden sun filling the world with its happy, hopeful Ray’s of delight! Yeah, I was a dreamer then, too.

Apparently, apple pectin shampoo is still around (kinda), but I don’t really need it as long as I have my hand soap from the 99¢ store.

Yeah, I like apples.

2017/11/10

TJH: Inspire — People Matching Art

Da Goddess @ 06:01

My favorite of the photos posted to this site would be Starry Night.

Go, get lost in the beauty.

2017/11/09

Hours of Laughter and Tears with Spacegoats and a Moose

Da Goddess @ 20:29

I killed my phone battery TWICE trying to get through all the replies to this tweet.

After the past few months of absolute frustration and pathos, this is just what I needed. You need it, too. I know you do.

2017/11/02

25 Years of Mojo!

Da Goddess @ 00:28

Happy birthday to my glorious first born!

Mojo, you have always been my little ray of sunshine. You were and are the best of me, the best of your biological father, and the best of our entire family.

I’m continually awed by the way you carry yourself and the way you show kindness and compassion toward others. I don’t think I know anyone else — other than your brother — who is quite as generous a spirit as you. And believe me when I say that he wouldn’t have come along if it hadn’t been for YOU! You opened my heart in ways I’ll never be able to explain.

Happy birthday, honey! I love you more than words allow!

2017/10/29

4668 Days

Da Goddess @ 05:50

4,668 days of pain. 4,668 days of frustration. 4,668 days of not having the life I’d worked so hard to achieve.

I feel even further from whole now than ever before.

That’s the current count. Just thought I’d share.

2017/10/18

Woke Up Dreaming

Da Goddess @ 13:36

Or maybe I should say woke up nightmaring, except I don’t think that’s a saying. Or even a word.

Woke up sobbing hysterically. It scared me to the core. I’ve never cried like that in my life. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t stop. I gave in to it for a few moments to see if that would help, and I guess it did, to an extent. But I remain shaken.

I’m currently going through another round of withdrawals from meds. This time, however, aside from the intense and unrelenting pain, I’m having more trouble with the antidepressants. I’m on two different antidepressants for pain management and have carefully been tapering off. Yet it seems to be hitting me harder this time. I’m not sure if that’s what’s behind the crying, or what. I only know I’m not faring well.

Waiting for the doctor to call back to advise me as to whether or not I go to the hospital, and if I do, what do I say?

This has been a nightmare. Twice in three months? No bueno. Especially when my crying scares away the cat. Yeah, that happened.

The only minor smile? A camping hedgehog. Go figure.

2017/10/03

Happy Birthday, LD!

Da Goddess @ 03:25

My beautiful boy is 21 years old today.

He is a gift to all who know and love him.

What an amazing young man my Little Dude has grown up to be.

Happy birthday, kiddo! I love you so much!

2017/10/02

Disbelief and Dismay — Las Vegas Concert Shooting

Da Goddess @ 04:30

I have friends in Las Vegas who are country music fans and friends who are fans of music of all kinds, so, of course, the news about the shooting at the Jason Aldean concert has rattled me to the core.

If I still lived there, I could have easily been at that very event.

Everyone is accounted for and safe, though my friend’s husband will likely need help after witnessing the shooting. He was there. It took until just this past hour for him to let his wife know he was okay.

As she wrote on Facebook, “he’s seen things no one should ever see.” I can’t even fathom how this will impact his life. I just thank God he wasn’t among the injured or dead. They have two very young children. They’re newlyweds. What would her life have been like if he’d been shot?

I can’t believe that anyone has to contemplate such things in this day and age.

I’m praying for everyone who was at this concert, anyone who knows someone who was there. I’m praying for an end to this violence that continues to plague our country. It must stop. It. Must. Stop.

2017/10/01

Three Wheels and Sparks

Da Goddess @ 04:02

Ever have one of those dreams where everything is off…by just a little bit? On the surface, everything seems normal, but there’s something not quite right? Well, I’ve been having dreams like that for the last month or so.

I know that it all comes down to not having the meds I need in the right doses, but it freaks me the fuck out.

Trying to keep everything in some sort of balance is difficult on a daily basis for most people. With chronic pain, it becomes a battle no one wants to fight, but one you must fight nevertheless. It’s your way of life. It’s all you know.

I was barely hanging on with all my meds. Now, I spend even more of my energy on just trying to get through the day with the least amount of pain. It messes up my life and comes through in my dreams. Which, of course, means I can’t even escape for the few hours I fall asleep.

Because I’m not taking my Ambien regularly, I’ve found I sleep longer when I do take it. Again, it doesn’t mean that sleep is more restful or restorative, but at least I’m asleep.

Still, when I awaken, I’m left feeling off-kilter.

It’s a bit like driving around on a flat tire — your spare, because you’ve already had a flat and the closest gas station is 100 miles away. At least, that’s what you think, only to discover that station closed and the next one isn’t even on any map. So you drive on because you’re in the middle of the desert and it’s too hot to wait for another car to come along and you have no cell service. Yeah, that’s a fairly apt analogy. You know you’re damaging the car, but you have no other choice. It’s push on or perish.

My doc, oh my wonderful doc, he’s doing his best to find a way to get me my meds, to push through my spinal cord stimulator, to get me back to feeling somewhat human. I’m so grateful. And I’m grateful for King Arthur for not killing me in my sleep for making his life crazy. Trust me, this is what I’d likely want to do if I were in his shoes. But, he doesn’t, or hasn’t been successful in his attempts. So, yeah, I’m grateful.

Here’s to another day of driving on a flat tire, throwing sparks into the brittle heat of the desert.

2017/09/19

I Can’t Keep Track: Scratch That Itch!

Da Goddess @ 10:10

On my legs I have at least three different skin issues. There’s the dry skin that just doesn’t want to soak up the moisture from even the hardiest of lotions. There are the splotches of a fungal infection I developed while on antibiotics for the spinal cord stimulator trial. And there are the areas that quite recently bubbled up when I developed serious edema two or three months ago. Yes, my skin bubbled. Then it hardened. Then it began a low level ooze. The edema is gone (the only benefit of being off most of my medications), but my skin remains in healing mode.

My arms have a minimum of two things going on. I have areas that are rough and itchy. There are cat scratches that don’t want to heal. Then there’s this ongoing itching that springs up on my hands and wrists.

Shall I even dare tell you about the rawness under and between my breasts? The itching, the erosion of skin, the persistent need for barrier cream (read: diaper cream), or the spreading of this… I’m guessing… fungal infection that threatens to become bacterial due to the diffuse, raw skin in delicate areas. It’s enough to drive one over the edge.

I almost took some quick pics because WORDS are not adequate to describe what’s happening to me and my skin. I didn’t do it, though. At least, not yet. I spared you the horrors of this creeping crud.

Oh, and while I was attending to my skin issues, I noticed a spot on my underboob. It had been a teensy weensy mole a couple years ago. It was measurable in millimeters. Now? It’s almost two inches in length and almost an inch in width. It looks a bit like one of those trilobite fossils found in most natural history museums. It’s quite rough and has the oddest quality to it. I am not pleased. I’m not even in the same state as “pleased”! Being without any health insurance, I can’t just run to a doctor to decide if it’s something I should worry about.

I’ll never be remembered as a one hit wonder. I have far too many complaints and needs for my legacy to be that I was boring. The facts don’t add up at all.

Until such time that I’m no longer using diaper cream and medicated powder to try to keep this body from becoming a much bigger problem than it is.

I think this is the part of the movie where some stunt woman would take my place and throw herself from the tallest window or ledge in utter frustration and as a means of ending the itch.

I’m so very over this bullshit. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that something good, something NOT irritating, happens to alleviate all the bad feels in my body.

But enough about me, let’s talk about you. Have you ever heard such things? Could you tell how any of this is necessary?

2017/09/18

This Much I Know is True

Da Goddess @ 10:41

Chronic pain, chronic illness, depression, isolation… All of these things can make life unbearable. It happens to many people. For some, medication helps. For others, medication only barely gets them from one moment to the next. There’s no ONE answer for everyone collectively.

For one man, he found hope in a Broadway musical based on a hit movie. Groundhog Day the Musical. I happened upon his post and it not only touched me, it spoke deeply to the broken parts of me and the life in which I find myself.

Life is difficult for me these days. I’ve been without ads here, which means I have absolutely ZERO income. True, the revenue generated by the ads I did have was miniscule, but it was just enough to help with 1) paying a bill or two, 2) help buy the kids a gift for birthdays/Christmas, and 3) gave me a sense of security that at least there was *that*.

Aside from the ads, my back and neck have grown even more painful, leaving me wondering how that’s even possible. It weighs on me more each passing day, each passing year. I find myself asking, “is this really how I want to spend my life? Is this who I really want to be?”

Because this was an injury that occurred on the job, I’ve been at the mercy of a system that favors the insurance company, not the patient. I’m stuck in an endless cycle of praying an adjuster will approve my medications or a treatment the doctors feel will help me get control of the pain. Time after time, though, my hopes are dashed and it takes a toll on every part of my being.

Twelve and a half years of living this way has left me more cynical and dejected than I’ve ever been in my life. Despite the medications, my pain has become what identifies me, what defines me. I don’t like it: I don’t want to this person!

Because of the treatment I’ve received from the insurance company, my life has become a roller coaster without a safety bar or seatbelt…that goes underwater and I have no air tank.

I’ve spent the last month without the majority of my meds. Where some patients simply pay for them out of pocket and then submit receipts for reimbursement, I don’t have that luxury. With a VERY deep discount the pharmacist gave me, my monthly tab for my meds would be over $700. That’s WITH the discount! King Arthur and I just can’t afford to pay it. I don’t know anyone who could. So I’ve tried to make do with the bare minimum, which doesn’t do much of anything other than keep me from crying 24/7. I cry, but not ALL DAY LONG.

My attorney drove up here Friday and handed me $500 to help pay for the medications. I was gobsmacked. What lawyer does that? Yes, it’ll need to be repaid, but still, what lawyer does that, I ask you. I’m as grateful as I am stunned. And even with his generous loan, I’ve had to adjust my prescription order so that I get the most bang for the buck. I won’t be getting full prescriptions of several drugs, though I will be able to get the meds that are vital for me to function as your basic bitch.

While my lawyer was here, I signed a new retainer agreement because he’s filing a lawsuit against the insurance company. This is not the norm for a work comp case. However, because they’ve continually played fast and loose with my care it’s our only real option. My brilliant attorney has also filed a formal complaint against the insurance company with the state.

We’re in uncharted waters here. In my attorney’s almost 50 years of practice, he’s never had to do this. He’s never come up against a company that’s so reckless with a claimant.

I doubt there will be a big payout from the lawsuit. I doubt they’ll be run out of the state. But at least we’re DOING SOMETHING! It’s my little glimmer of hope. My only glimmer of hope.

And this is why a total stranger’s post about a musical has given me pause. I’m lucky enough to see a new day, to still be breathing, to fight for my rights to adequate healthcare as the law dictates for injured workers. Maybe my case will save someone else from my nightmare. That thought is enough to make me keep looking at the horizon, hoping to see the first rays of sunshine each day.

All of this… all of it comes down to a Broadway musical I haven’t seen, but whose very message has had a ripple effect on the lives of enough people that its message has been spread far and wide.

I’m off to look for my sun today and tomorrow and the next day and the next and on and on.

2017/09/11

September 11 Remembered

Da Goddess @ 00:01

From September 11, 2014

There is an unease in my heart today. I cannot forget the morning of September 11, 2001. I cannot forget waking up and watching the world fall apart. I cannot forget the confusion on the face of my children. I cannot forget the pain on the faces of those who lost loved ones. I cannot forget the way neighbors came together in sadness and shock to offer comfort to one another, whether or not they knew them. I cannot forget. There is unease in my heart today as I remember how strong we rose from the ashes of tragedy and how easy it has been for some to forget, for them to contort reality into something other than what it was and is. There is unease in my heart today.

Never forget! Never forget the lives lost. Never forget how we turned toward one another instead of away from one another.

Never forget! Never forget that freedom is not easily won, nor is it easily kept. Those who have it must protect and nurture it. Those who don’t have it will always try to rip it away from those who do.

Never forget! We cannot pretend events were anything but what they were. Lives were lost. Hearts were broken. Never forget!

There is an unease in my heart today because I cannot forget. Because I will never forget.

A few posts from the past, with videos and important links:

Remembering 9/11

Never Forget

September 11 – We Never Forget

11 Years Later

Count To 3,000 and Keep Going – September 11 Remembered

Even while we continue to heal, we must never forget.

2017/09/10

The Lump in My Throat

Da Goddess @ 23:50

Tomorrow is a difficult day for me. For many of us. I always feel a tightness in my throat and my chest this time of year. But this year we have so much happening that makes everything more… agitated and frantic feeling.

I’m talking about these damned hurricanes!

Harvey sucked big donkey balls and put dear Joni in danger. She assured me she was okay and that made my heart stop racing so much. But then that bitch, Irma, had to get in the game. Now Pam and her hubby, as well as other friends, are in harm’s way.

WHY?!!? Isn’t it enough to have a few million people in dire straits? We have to have more? I’m talking to you, weather gods! I’m pointing my finger at you!

And there are the wildfires across the western part of the United States. And an earthquake in Mexico.

I think we’ve had it. The very fabric of our souls have creases from all the worry and frowning.

Those in the midst of these horrifying events needs a break. A really big break.

I’m not asking for a miracle, but I am asking for a respite from disaster for those who’ve been slammed, battered, sizzled, and shaken.

Please.

My prayers and thoughts are with everyone stuck in the middle of all this mess (these messes).

2017/09/07

Random Facts: The Echidna

Da Goddess @ 16:31

Today’s random fact is meant to distract you from the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey and the currently destructive Hurricane Irma, as well as the many fires burning across the western part of the U.S. Also a reason to NOT think about politics (because I have reached my absolute).

I say with great confidence that this lil bit of information WILL distract because HOW CAN IT NOT? You’ll see what I mean.

The echidna is one of the most extraordinary creatures on the planet. A monotreme, this mammal lays eggs and then nurses its young. There are only two (if you’re not counting TYPES of echidnae) monotremes: the platypus and the echidna (of which there are four kinds). Monotremes are, of course, found in Australia and New Guinea, because where else would one find such odd and fascinating animals?

So, without further ado, here’s the random fact: echidnae have a four-pronged penis. Let that sink in for a moment: four…prongs. FOUR. Three more than humans. However, the female echidna only accommodates two. This, when mating, only two of these prongs are engaged, with the other two retracted.

Still not distracted enough? Think about the research that went into discovering this knowledge!

Just follow the link above and get back to me afterwards.

I got your mind off all the worries of the day for a couple minutes, didn’t I? Don’t thank me. I knew you needed that. It’s just one of the things I’m happy to do for you.

Now, to cleanse the palate, I direct you to view this adorable puggle (which is what you call a baby echidna). I promise you’ll feel better after the video.

NOW you may thank me. And you’re welcome.

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