2020/05/18

When I’m 54

Da Goddess @ 03:34

(it’d be better as Studio 54, but c’mon, I don’t have access to a glitterball & I’m not wasting my tinfoil hat making one!)

54.

I seriously never thought I’d be alone on my birthday because of a pandemic. I always assumed it would be due to my having pissed off everyone I know and love.

But, here we are: the world is trying to ease back into living like we did before we knew about this thing called covid19. I think it’s too soon to ease up, but what do I know? I’m sure the politicians of the world know what’s best for us. Not. If nothing else, the people throwing caution to the wind and gathering en masse sans masks in bars (I’m looking at you specifically, Wisconsin) and other such places will be our guinea pigs. I just don’t want to hear any of them crying about it after. Common sense dictates you proceed with caution and if you rush out to throw back some drinks in the local tavern with a bunch of other people who you can’t verify have been sticking to the isolation protocol, well, you get what you deserve. It’s like going into a brothel and having unprotected sex with a sweet painted lady. Chances are you ain’t goin’ home alone.

So, yeah. There’s nothing in my 54 years of experience (as a human or even as a nurse) that could have led me to envision THIS as the reason I’m spending my birthday alone.

Crazy times. Insane, batshit crazy times.

Yay. Actually “yay” in all lowercase letters. Good news is I made it this far. Bad news is I made it this far.

Cheers!

P.S. someone please bring me vanilla cake with vanilla frosting. Boring, I know, but I have a hankering. Small Walmart cake is perfect. Refrigerated section.

2020/05/17

18

Da Goddess @ 08:38

Blogiversary day! 18 years.
Eighteen fucking years.
Eighteen. Damn. Years. That’s a very long time to do something voluntarily.

EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Damn.

2020/05/08

Da Goddess @ 00:49

I’d like to take this moment to say, “fuck you, Lucy Ellmann. Fuck you very much.” This is the first time it’s ever taken me a week to read 42 pages of a book I don’t actively loathe.

Ducks, Newburyport is 998 pages long and I’m only on page 49. It’s taken me a week – a W.E.E.K. – to get that far in. And I’m a speedy reader. Not Evelyn Wood fast, but pretty damn fast. And this is an excruciatingly slow fucking read. 98% of the book is one long run on sentence, which stops being a clever storytelling device about 1.5 pages in. Rather, it becomes a tedious method for driving the reader mad with unnecessary nonsense in the middle of what seems to be a decent story. Instead of allowing the readers to easily keep track of characters and plot, we’re forced to assemble the pertinent details from an overworked stream of consciousness blather that truly detracts from the essence of the tale.

I’ve stopped all other reading, set aside puzzle books, kept Netflix off, just to focus on forty-fucking-nine pages. And I’m made about it. Angry. ANGRY. It makes me wonder how the book was shortlisted for the Booker prize.

You know those comedians who run with any irritating joke to the point where it becomes painful and then keep on with it until it becomes kind of funny? That isn’t happening here in book form. Knowing I still have 949 pages left of this only makes me want to waterboard the author. If your story doesn’t allow the reader to come up for a breath of fresh air, you’re going to have bodies strewn across the country – nay, the WORLD – from asphyxia and your readership is going to dwindle. To the publisher, I must say this, “you made a big mistake. HUUUGE.”

Honestly, if not for the fact that I’ve invested actual hard-earned money on this book, I’d have chucked it into a fire or offered to sell it for toilet paper.

And here’s another thing: if your story isn’t strong enough to stand on its own, without this exhausting nonsense with which to prop it, then perhaps the author and publisher ought to take a step back and examine their entire lives and ask themselves where they went so very wrong. What led them to thinking this was a good choice? And what led the Booker prize committee to shortlist this work of drudgery? Is the fact that this massive run on sentence of a book really that innovative? Did they actually enjoy the read? I can’t believe they found this enjoyable.

As I previously mentioned, the bit of the story I’ve “extruded” (that was a deliberate jab at the author, dear reader) hasn’t been bad, just exhausting. I feel I deserve better than this. If I hadn’t splashed out the cash for it, I’d have quit reading and made a fortune selling the pages for toilet paper. Really, I would have. Still might if I finish before the quarantine is over. I guess I just found my motivation.

2020/05/07

Dad. Two Years On.

Da Goddess @ 13:49

Today is the second anniversary of Dad’s death. I miss him more today than ever. I miss his grumbling and his yelling and his laughter. But most of all, I just miss HIM.

He was one of a kind. He was belligerent and bombastic. He was loud and often angry. But he was also loving and kind in a hundred little ways. He was thoughtful and funny. He was creative and had a vision for junk that was incredible. He was upcycling long before upcycling was a thing. He bought junk, but he sold functional art.

Dad, I will miss you forever. I love you always.

2020/04/29

Quarantine Quick Picks

Da Goddess @ 16:50

I’m working on a big booklist for you, but it’s going slow due to the fact I’m caught up in some incredible reading! Yes, only top shelf recommendations for you fine folks.

So, while I’m working on that, let me give you a couple of quick picks to brighten up your quarantine!

1. After Life – on Netflix. Ricky Gervais is, well, brilliant in both seasons 1 & 2 of this series. Six episodes, 30 minutes each…this is a heartfelt and occasionally heartbreaking series you can watch again and again. Wry, crass, bittersweet, and full of heart. Don’t second guess yourself — or me — and just watch it.

2. No Tomorrow – Netflix again. One season of a lovely little series. There’s just so much to like about the characters and the storyline. I won’t say more beyond: just watch!

3. Finally, I give you the most important recommendation of all:Cottonelle toilet paper. Listen, I’m very picky about my toilet paper. As someone with inflammatory bowel disease, let me tell you how important the right toilet paper is! After years of trial and error, I’d settled on the Kirkland (Costco) brand because it was the only TP my sore butt could handle. Then came the day I couldn’t get to Costco and had to rely on Walmart’s Great Value version. It’s the one with the blue packaging (the red isn’t worth it). And then, coronavirus hit and I had to make do with whatever my sister could get for me. That’s how Cottonelle came into my life. O!M!G! People, this is a one-ply toilet paper. ONE-PLY! So much better than most two-ply papers. And it feels like heaven. That’s right! I said it feels like heaven. And I mean that. My poor tush has personally thanked me repeatedly. It’s soft, but not too soft. It’s strong, but not in a rough way. It’s like nothing I’ve ever used before! Cottonelle, I will use every platform available to tell the world how great your toilet paper is and all I ask is for you to always make it because, otherwise, I’ll shed tears forevermore!!! Yes, three exclamation points!!! That’s how much I love you, Cottonelle!!!

Why is this so important to me? Irritable bowel syndrome, ulcerative colitis, Crohn’s disease, food poisoning, and/or whatever has you on the pot for any length of time, you need a T.P. to clean your very sensitive and frequently raw hiney. The poo can do a real number on your skin and you want something strong, but gentle. Believe you me! After the dead legs, the pain of sitting on the toilet, the cramping, gas, and the enzymes/proteins in your stool that can make you look like a res-assed baboon, repetitive wiping can tear up that fragile skin. Be kind to what’s behind…you. I usually have to add baby wipes to help clean because whether you say papier toilette, papel higiénico, papur toiled, giấy vệ sinh, туалетний папір, tuvalet kağıdı,toalettpapper, karatasi ya choo, letër higjienike, komuneko papera, paper de vàter, carta igienica, toaletni papir, necesejo-papero, tualettpaber, tisyu, vessapaperi, húskepapier, papel de baño, Klopapier, chartí ygeías, papye twalèt, wahila, WC-papír, salernispappír, páipéar leithris, papier toaletowy, aainsarhcakkuu, pepa wharepaku, kertas tanda, taratasy fidiovan, tualetinis popierius, hwajangji, impapuro zo mu musarani, kradeasabangkon, kertas jamban (Javanese, my favorite), or akwụkwọ mposi, toilet paper occasionally needs a bit of help back there.

And that’s it for today’s recommendations. Two shows to watch and the best toilet paper here on earth and also probably in heaven.

Note: I was not paid for my recommendation of Cottonelle, but I’m open to working with them if they need someone.

2020/04/24

Medical Advice Advice

Da Goddess @ 07:12

I don’t know who needs to hear this (I’m lying because I know everyone needs to hear this), but take medical advice ONLY from people who have been to medical and/or nursing school and who have passed rigorous testing and received a license to practice.

DON’T INGEST OR INJECT BLEACH, FFS!

This message brought to you by the committee who wants you to live.

P.S. I’ll give it a go if trump goes first and lives to tell the tale…without any medical intervention.

If you need a handy reminder of this advice, please have a listen to Mr Nick Harvey.

2020/04/21

Better to Laugh

Da Goddess @ 23:55

My frustration level has peaked. I have so many things I’d like to do, so many people I’d like to see, and many places I’d like to visit. Since none of that’s possible, it comes down to lots of tweeting, reading, TV, and movies.

Of course, now is exactly when shit hits the fan. My landlords have moved off the property and out of state. I have missed them a great deal when they drove up to Oregon to be with family. I miss their daughter’s little voice and adorable giggles. I miss hearing the baby fuss and then coo. It’s just so weird without them here.

And I now have to set up my own internet and cable. That was one of my favorite things about renting here: those were included in the rent. Now, they’re reducing my rent to make up for not providing it. But I’d rather just keep it the way it’s always been. I’m THAT horrified by having to figure it out for myself. When manlord was down to pack up the house, I got him to extend the service until they have someone move into the main house. Except, here’s the thing, internet works and cable doesn’t. I’m watching Netflix until they get it figured out.

And I’m reading a lot. Right now, my favorite site is McSweeney’s because I end up laughing for hours. Current favorite article is Frasier & Niles Tell Their Dad to Stay Home. Go read. You’ll like it.

Ta for now. I have to go look for ants. I had three extremely tiny ones show up earlier and I’m obsessed with killing any others that may exist.

2020/04/08

It’s a Different World

Da Goddess @ 10:34

Had the world been put back to right by now, I’d currently be on a plane to a place in the middle of a vast ocean. I’d be just a few hours away from seeing my daughter and her husband and their cats.

But it’s a different world at the moment and everything is upside down and topsy turvy.

I can’t wait to wake up one day soon to news reports of a week without any new cases of coronavirus and no deaths from it in a month. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

I want to ask you to remember the past several months when you cast your vote in November. I want you to remember the man and his administration who all hemmed and hawed and screamed about Covid-19 being a big Democratic hoax, the people who sat on lifesaving information while they divested themselves of stocks that would tank and bought up shares of stocks that would payoff big once they put the wheels of fighting the pandemic in motion.

I want you to remember the man who has no redeeming qualities — personally or professionally — and who has shown no true leadership skills, who diverted attention from a global health crisis to tell us he’s trending on Facebook or that he used pandemic pressers as campaign rallies.

I ask you to remember this when casting a ballot in November because it’s important he not be re-elected. If he’s re-elected, we will not survive the next crisis, be it health or otherwise.

I may not be a working nurse any longer, but knowing what I know and having access to emails from former employers, I wouldn’t want to ever face another shitshow like this knowing the government didn’t have the backs of those who fight to prevent as many deaths as we’ve seen.

I would willingly give up ever going to see my girl & her hubby any time to ensure my family, friends, and my global neighbors were able to avoid another insane event like this. I wouldn’t have to think even a second to vote this massive oozing chancre out of office. With any luck, his actions will land him in prison. You don’t get to play at being president and profit off the deaths of the citizens of your country. Not in this day and age. Not in a time when your acting Secretary of the Navy is forced to resign after he castigated and demeaned a true leader who was trying to protect his troops. If we can create such pressure in less than 24 hours after a leaked recording of Modly’s address to Captain Crozier’s sailors and get him to resign, surely we can create even greater pressure to have trump removed for every act (not just words, but direct actions) leading to the deaths of our countrymen and women and children. This goes beyond party. This goes to the very core of what it means to be human.

Yep. I will give up any future travel, entertainment, and merriment on my life to avoid another catastrophic event like this.

2020/03/31

Two-fer Tuesday: Something Beautiful for You (Quarantine Playlist)

Da Goddess @ 03:26

This is for you. Yes, you. You deserve this.

And you deserve this. Yes, I’m still talking to you! Quit acting so surprised.

Hang in there, my friends. We can do this.

2020/03/26

Must Watch: Alternatives, Part 1

Da Goddess @ 09:06

I’ve found myself seeking out shows that aren’t available via regular TV channels in the U.S.

First up: Portrait Artist of the Year. This is a fantastic British production. You can find the entire current season on the YouTubes. Here’s a link to the first episode. It’s really a wonderful program. All but the final episode for this show are available through the account I’ve linked to.

Also on the tubes of you, The Great Pottery Throw Down. Listen, you don’t need to be a potter to enjoy this show. The artistic value of the craft is exceedingly entertaining and you’ll come away with a greater appreciation for how cups, plates, teapots, vases, etc., are made. There are three seasons available and I’ll get you started with season one, episode one. I think you’ll find yourself yelling at the contestants when they take crazy chances with their designs, when they forget an important step, and/or when they don’t manage their time well. You’ll also yell at the judges when they send home someone who, while they missed the mark on this one challenge, has shown such amazing work throughout the season. It’s truly a delightful show. And don’t worry about the crying judge. It happens frequently enough that you’ll simply accept it by the time you get through a few episodes.

I can only find the most recent season of Master of Photography on YouTube. I watched an early season a couple years ago on Ovation or some other channel I no longer have access to. Anyhow, this is a very good program in that it offers great lessons on composition and the value of critiques from experts. There are some interesting images and equally interesting photographers. It’s given me a lot of inspiration and motivation for future projects, but mostly I just enjoy picking out the contestants’ missed shots/opportunities. I do a fair amount of commentary throughout each episode.

On Netflix, check out Blown Away. It’s all about glassblowing and it’s fascinating! There’s one season. Episodes are only about a half hour, so you can get through them quickly. I would have liked longer episodes, but you get what you get and you don’t get upset. Or you do. But it’s totally worth your time.

I’ll post more shows next week. These should keep you busy until then.

Bonus: Upright. An Australian show that’s funny, beautiful, touching, and so many other super superlatives. It’s brilliant! IMTV has it available to those of us who live in the States. You’ll have to create an account to watch (when you get to the options of NA or EUR, choose NA (North America, natch). If you can’t watch every episode free of charge, let me know. I’ll see if I can find you another option.

Now, go get busy watching TV and forget about our current situation. We won’t always have a pandemic to justify our viewing habits, so make the most of the NOW of it.

2020/03/19

How Y’all Doin’?

Da Goddess @ 22:58

First things first: how are you? Are you and your family healthy and safe? Have you been able to fend off the ennui? Are you reading? Listening to music and/or podcasts? Are you watching TV and/or movies?

How are you passing the time?

Secondly, have you checked in with family and neighbors? Are you a helper?

Thirdly, have you been able to avoid or minimize exposure to the 24/7 news coverage?

Fourthly, what’s up with you these days? Anything new?

Fifthly, are you washing hands? Are you using soap and water and washing for a minimum of 20 seconds? I’d prefer 30 seconds, but blah blah blah. Are you really, truly, honestly washing your goddamn hands? Please let this be your reality. Hand sanitizer pales in comparison to handwashing with soap and water.

Sixthly, my trip to see my daughter and her hubby is on hold. As it should be.

Other than that, life is pretty much the same. I have books, TV, movies, puzzles, games, and the cat. I also have a neighbor who just got a donkey (another got a horse not long before that) and I’m determined to find out where the donkey lives. I’m mostly of the mind that the donkey was brought in as protection against the very busy coyotes we have in our area. They’re quite active. I’ve seen them out on my morning walks — one street over, at first, then right at our gate — and my landlord has seen them in our yard. They’re well-fed and in good shape, but they got that way because of the abundance of available chow. Chickens (so many chickens here), cats, dogs, bunnies (oh my God, do we have buns!), and squirrels. Who knows what else. So, now the donkey. I love hearing the braying! It’s a nice change of pace.

There you go. My pandemic post. I hope you’re all safe.

2020/03/13

Leaving L.A.

Da Goddess @ 17:11

Tim Minchin is a fucking genius. Don’t let anyone (especially him) tell you otherwise.

His new song and video are exceptional. After I heard a brief clip a few days ago (or a week or? I dunno. The days all blend together anymore), I had the tune stuck in my head. And now I have the entire song running on repeat in my brain. I love it! I hope you enjoy.

2020/03/12

Baggage

Da Goddess @ 14:32

Any recommendations on luggage? Nothing expensive, just durable and easy to maneuver for a gimpy old broad. It has to have good wheels and it would be a major bonus if it could fit in an overhead compartment.

Yes, for the first time in a decade, I’m getting on a plane. I’m going away. Not for long, but for long enough. And I’m going to see my daughter and son-in-law. And their cats. In a beautiful locale. Yay!

So, yeah. I need a decent, inexpensive but easily wheeled about suitcase. I mean, just because you have baggage doesn’t mean it can’t be functional and maybe even pleasant.

Floaty

Da Goddess @ 14:20

I’ve spent the majority of the day in bed. I’d been up for two days and finally collapsed from the exhaustion around 03:00. Despite waking multiple times, I was quite happy to remain floating in the land of soft, warm cottony slumber. It helped to have Monsieur Chat at my side and all the rain in all the world raining down on SoCal.

Speaking of rain, there’s a lot of it coming down. Lots. And lots more. And then some more. It’s kind of glorious.

I’ve been fully awake and moving freely about the cabin for an hour now and I’m still embracing the floaty feeling. Pain is not allowed more than a background murmur. I’m going to tackle the dishes and then curl up with the cat again, watch some tv, enjoy my little cocoon of comfort.

2020/03/03

TJH: INSPIRE — Always on My Mind

Da Goddess @ 16:46

Ever have one of those days when someone is always on your mind? You know, the kind of day when you can’t shake the feeling you need to talk with someone, but can’t and it makes it even more difficult to get that someone out of your head?

Yeah, it’s been one of those days.

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